The Top 10 Passages in “Choose Your Own Trump”

Find yourself somebody that loves you the way that I love my own writing. Here are my favorite moments from my 2018 book Choose Your Own Trump. The context, in case it wasn't clear, is that you are President Trump and it's up to you skillfully navigate or bungle your way through your presidency.

10. The choices for how to spend your last night before becoming King.

Most of the choices are purely functional. But every now and the options themselves crack me up.


9. A rare look at President Trump's inbox

It didn't take a huge stretch of the imagination, but I just love the idea of Trump getting promotional emails from Applebee's in the middle of a crisis.


8. Locker Room talk

Parodying the famous "locker room talk" defense is low-hanging fruit. And if there's one thing you should know about me: when I see low-hanging fruit, I pick it. Also, some of the sharpest criticism in the book is when I directly quote the man.

7. Denouncing the Nazis

In the wake of Charlottesville, I thought the best way to make a contrast would be to show easy it would be to handle the situation. And of course, since he loves to compare himself to Obama, I thought it only fair to give him a mic drop too.


6. Trump's unexplained hatred of Oklahoma

First of all, strong opening. Second, there's a ton of character traits that we already know and hate about Trump. But it made me laugh to have a recurring theme of him not liking Oklahoma without ever explaining why.


5. Starting World War 3

All-axis pass still gets me. But I love how this passage ends because I think it's absolutely true.


4. 1/x

Nobody on earth likes seeing a tweetstorm of undetermined length.


3. Trump takes Melania's advice to out a celebrity.

I kinda feel like I nailed the Colbert impression.


2. Locker Room talk ends poorly

The Belichick comment is a niche joke but kills me every time.


1. Adding product placement to his tweets.

I love that Trump rhymes sad with the legally-mandated #ad. But my absolute favorite is attacking Dems for being soft on crime and turning it into product placement.