Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Hoagie Central Brainteaser

What do these NFL teams have in common?

Minnesota Vikings
Carolina Panthers
Arizona Cardinals
Tennessee Titans
New England Patriots

Take a minute to figure it out.

- - -

Then scroll down for more clues.

- - -

Minnesota Twins
Texas Rangers
Florida Marlins
Arizona Diamondbacks
Colorado Rockies

Indiana Pacers
New Jersey Nets
Utah Jazz
Golden State Warriors
Minnesota Timberwolves

New Jersey Devils
Carolina Hurricanes
Florida Panthers
Minnesota Wild
Colorado Avalanche

- - -

Figured it out? These are teams that don't represent cities. Instead they are named after states, or in one case, a region.

Generally speaking, I think it reeks of city embarrassment. Like we don't want to admit we're from Charlotte. Although I do support the alliteration of Tennessee Titans. Utah Jazz comes to mind.

But poor Minneapolis. They have four teams but you wouldn't know it. Aint nothing wrong with Minneapolis, boys. Don't be ashamed. Denver and Phoenix too. And what's the deal with Florida and Texas? You have multiple teams in the same sport. I mean Florida vs Tampa, or Texas vs Houston doesn't make much sense.

I suppose East Rutherford is quite a mouthful, so I can forgive New Jersey. But the Pats? Claiming an entire region? I don't know if that's kosher.

What amuses me, is cities that are mixed and matched. At least Minnesota is consistent...

Indiana Pacers / Indianapolis Colts
Arizona Cardinals and Diamondbacks / Phoenix Suns and Phoenix Coyotes
Denver Broncos and Nuggets / Colorado Avalanche and Rockies

...and plenty more.

So anyone have any city teams that should change their name to the state, or vice versa?

I propose at least: Dallas Rangers, Miami Marlins, and Oakland Warriors.

happy new year

Monday, September 29, 2008

holy shit, is it 5769 already?

I wanted to post a good picture of a Jewish woman blowing
a shofar but couldn't find one. Bummer.

Congrats to all the Jews in Jewville!

Bonerjam Express

Since apparently, I don't have time for a fullout bonerjam...

The Chiefs have escaped the winless department. Still there? Bengals, Texans, Lions, Rams. Seems about right. Now the Chiefs have the same number of wins as the Colts, Vikings, and Seahawks.

In my preview picks, I thought long and hard about going with the Steelers and Broncos to win their divisions. But I heard the Pitt O-line and Denver defense were suspect. The Eagles proved that last week for the Steelers and the Chiefs proved that Sunday for the Donkeys.

Bills, Giants, Titans and Ravens still undefeated. I'm not sold on the Bills, and as soon as Kerry Collins gets injured, count me out on the Titans.

The Jags are back from the dead, and the Panthers are a quiet 3-1.

The Eagles are far and away the best last place team. I think they could win the Super Bowl.

Mark is still ahead in picks: 34-31. I went 8-4 this week with MNF tonight.

The Bills played the Rams in the Battle of the Trents. And I thought I couldn't hate Marion Barber anymore, then I finally pick him in home team and he gets me 3 points. DIE. Perhaps my least favorite NFL player.

Chiefs game balls vs Denver

I said last year, that I knew the Chiefs were rebuilding, and I wanted to ignore the losses but revel in the wins. Last year I only had to write 4 of those posts. That's what we're on pace for this year.

Without further ado, the Chiefs won a game! Regular season too!

For the record, the Chiefs had lost 12 in a row, dating back to last season. That's a lot of losses. And when you're 0-3 facing a 3-0 team with the league's best offense, not to mention you're starting 2 rookies in the secondary, it's not a great matchup.

Sure, the Chiefs won by 14. But the last 7 were after an onside kick, that the Broncos really had their hands on. If they catch that with 2 minutes to go, after just scoring, this could easily be a 0-4 team.

In order to narrowly beat a much better Broncos team, the Chiefs need to outperform them in several areas, and come up big in the 4th quarter. The biggest thing about this game was turnovers. Four for Denver. 1 for KC. Without the Brandon Marshall fumble that got returned to the 1, who knows if the Chiefs keep it close. The D gave up 360 yards passing, but got 2 picks and 2 fumbles. What I'm trying to say is that to make up for the talent disparity, the Chiefs needed to be +3 in the turnover department to eek out a win at home.

So I'm not exactly confident that this a turning point, but hey, I'll take it.

Hon. Mention: Nick Novak

No one makes a big deal about kickers unless they miss, but making 4/5 was crucial to getting points on the board.

Hon. Mention: Damon Huard

He's no fantasy stud, but he made the plays to move the chains when he needed to, and got a nice TD to Gonzo. Most importantly: zero picks.

3. Brandon Carr & Brandon Flowers & Derrick Johnson

Rookie cornerbacks and a still young linebacker (though he's a veteran on this defense). They accounted for all four turnovers and held their own against the NFL's top offense. This bodes well.

2. Larry Johnson

203 total yards, two scores. Including two big crunch time runs to secure the game, when they knew we were going to run. Next time, don't fumble.

1st round pick Albert and LJ

1. Offensive Line

Never thought this was going to happen. When you open up big holes and only allow one sack, you get the game ball. Those 200 rushing yards belong to you, just as much as LJ. God, it's good to get a win. Keep it up.

Sunday, September 28, 2008

construda update

Construda is, well, sometimes a little quirky.

In week 2, I put up 92 and lose a heartbreaker to Burnsy on Monday night by 3.

Last week I put up a solid 80, including 20 from Addai and 20 from Forte, and lose by 12 because Big Ben puts up a -1 when I needed 11.

This week my opponent has Drew Brees, Jay Cutler, Michael Turner and Randy Moss. And he puts up 48. I've got only 68 with Big Ben to play, and I get the win.

Honestly, I feel like I should be 3-1, because I thought I was going to win the first three weeks, and thought I deserved to lose today. Oh well.

Elsewhere in the West:
Rishi's Autopicks beat Kirat's Autopicks: 112-90, with a defense to spare. Led by LJ's 29, Rishi prevailed over the best performance Kirat will get out of Jason Campbell and Edge James all year.

Burnsy lost to Matt. It wasn't close because Marion Barber forgot to show up, but it didn't help that Burnsy started a bye week (and suspended) Plax Burress. Nice to know he's paying attention.

And Mark helped me take care of business by knocking off Showtime, with big performances all around.

So that means everyone else in my division lost a game, and I won:
Kirat 2-2
Niraj 2-2
Dave 2-2
Showtime 1-3

Mark moves to 2-2, Matt is 3-1, and Rishi is 1-3.

For the record, 4 people in our league started inactive players. Burnsy, Kirat, Chargersman, and bucksfan, with 3 inactives. It's sad to see Aaron Rodgers on the bench with Matt Hasslebeck starting during a bye week. It's just not right.

Friday, September 26, 2008

rushed picks

I'll skip all the hullabullo and put $75 on a 3-team teaser:

Broncos +.5
Cowboys -1.5
Eagles +6.5

and $25 on the Packers +1.5

I'll recap this week and last week, next week, hopefully.

Friday, September 19, 2008

The Board

Current Board Standings: Mark 1, Dave 0.

Does Tomlinson finish the year as a top 10 RB?
Mark: no, Dave: yes

Does Peyton finish the year as a top 3 QB?
Mark: no, Dave: yes

More TD's this year?
Mark: Colston, Dave: Croyle

Combined Chiefs and Lions wins over/under 7.5
Mark: under, Dave: over

More fantasy points this year?
Mark: Portis, Dave: any rookie RB
(void if Portis doesn't make 15 starts)

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Week 3 Fever

Started with: $100
As of 9/18: $190

40$ on a 2-TEAM TEASER (lines teased by 6):
Broncos +.5 over Saints AND Panthers +9.5 over Vikings

40$ on a 3-TEAM TEASER (lines teased by 10):
Seahawks +.5 over Broncos AND Lions +13.5 over 49ers AND Pats -2.5 over Fins

I wasn't confident with any actual spreads to do a lock or parlay. I almost had a parlay taking the Falcons, Titans and Ravens, but only felt comfortable betting against the Chiefs.

Okay fine, $20 on a LOCK: Falcons -4.5 over Chiefs.

Tyler Thigpen = Cash money.

this morning i had a dream

It was the first day of me attending Grad School. Oddly enough, the school was in a terrible neighborhood, yet was trying to carry the properness of an Ivy League school.

So I arrive at 9 am in the main class building and I don't know what room I'm supposed to go to. It takes me 15 minutes with the help of some guy to look at my timetable and see where I should be. We finally figure it out and I'm about to walk in that direction, when he tells me that I can't go into class without a navy blazer with the school crest. I'm wearing a t-shirt. So I ask, where can I get one. And apparently the school bookstore is on the other side of town.

So I get really mad, as if this is the first time I'm hearing about this dress code, when I'm 15 minutes late for my first class.

But that's not the good part. The best part is my major, and I'm not making this up: Where's Waldo? I'm attending Grad School for the purpose of getting a Masters in Where's Waldo? And I need a navy blazer with the school's crest on it just to enter the class.


Wednesday, September 17, 2008

reading level on the interweb

After Burnsy pointed it out in the comments, I started experimenting with other sites, to see what the level of discourse really is. Here's the results:

Sports Guy NFL Preview

Junior High
TMQ's latest article

High School
PS3 Fanboy
New York Times
Fox News

College - Undergrad
CNN Political Ticker

Google.com (I'm not kidding)

No Results

While I think it's interesting that CNN's political blog far outranks their home page, I don't really thing this site is a good judge. 538 is on the money, but PS3 at High School? TMQ only at junior high? I can't even understand what he's talking about. And Google's homepage as genius? I mean I know simplicity is awesome, but come on. Unless, maybe I'm not a genius, and I'm missing part of the message.

hoagie central is currently pg-13

Apparently, fucking and sucking and bombs aren't appropriate for 13 year olds. To be fair, the carpet bomb line was in quotes.

I am the Best Chiefs Fan at Fantasy

Not only did I have the best week 2 among Chief's fans...

But I am now the best on the season among Chiefs Fans and ranked #140 in the country on the season.

If I was a fan of a different team, I could have just won 2 tickets to a Cardinals game, $100 Steelers gift card or a Detroit Lions Yearbook. The Chiefs are 1 of 13 teams that don't give out any prizes; that includes the Bears, btw.

six picks away from a million

Not me. But rather Mr. Fargonauts. He's playing the Streak for the Cash where all you have to do is pick 25 winners in a row. Well, he's got 19, dating back 12 days. I'm saving this link so if/when he disappears of the leaderboard, I can see how close he came, and what he lost/won on.

this cheered me up


When your team is 0-2 and just got embarassed by the Raiders, and you're not sure if they'll win multiple games this year, you're not feeling too good about them. And then you remember, at least they're not the Lions.

The Chiefs and Lions are tied for first place, in an imaginary division that only holds those two teams. What a pennant race!

Monday, September 15, 2008

venting through ms paint

Marion Barber in a Season-Altering Role

Niraj trails me by 20, with Marion Barber left to play. You say it's only week 2. I proved last year that you can come back from a 1-5 record to make the Super Bowl...but that was against a division with Rishi.

This year's division looks like a 16-team man's league by comparison. The winner of tonight's game will be alone in first place in the West, and own the tie breaker. It's quite possible we'll look back at this game as the pivotal moment of the season.

So can Barber get 20? Last week he got 22, but that was against the Browns. Tonight he faces the Eagles. Last week he got those in just three quarters, but he left with sore ribs. Will he be able to play all game? Last week the Cowboys had the lead, and wanted to run the ball. Last week he got 80 yards and 2 TDs.

I think the smart money says he's easily finish between 70 and 139 yards. Which means it comes down to the touchdowns. One's not enough. He needs two to win. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! I mean, ahem, I'll be watching.

Is Week 5 Make or Break?

Editor's Note: One of things that I pride myself on, is that there is analysis here that you can't get anywhere else. Sure, the MMBNJ is similar to TMQ and MJD's Smorgasboard. And my picks are a take on the Sports Guy's and my sportsbook is a rip-off of KSK. But no one else is doing this sort of thing.

I had a theory: that after week 5, your record might indicate whether you will make the playoffs. Let's crunch the numbers for last year. The numbers show how many teams finished with that record in that category.

2007 Playoff Teams:
5-0: 3
4-1: 3
3-2: 5
2-3: 1
1-4: 0
0-5: 0

2007 Non-Playoff Teams:
5-0: 0
4-1: 0
3-2: 5
2-3: 8
1-4: 5
0-5: 2

So what does this tell us? After you've played five games, if you've won at least 4, you're making the playoffs. If you're one of the 16 teams with a losing record, you better have Tomlinson on your team. Surprisingly, having a 3-2 record still means your playoff odds are 50%, at least in 2007.

But since Hoagie Central takes you deeper, let's look at 2006 as well.

2006 Playoff Teams:
5-0: 2
4-1: 6
3-2: 2
2-3: 2
1-4: 0
0-5: 0

2006 Non-Playoff Teams:
5-0: 0
4-1: 2
3-2: 5
2-3: 4
1-4: 6
0-5: 3

So what's the final word? If you're 1-4 or worse: no shot. Really, odds are you need to be 3-2, preferably 4-1. In 06, both the Chiefs and Jets were 2-3 and snuck into the playoffs, but they really didn't belong there.

Click here for January 2009 update on the results.

Sportsbook Recap

Warning: Don't read Hoagie Central if you hate shoe-in picks guaranteed to make you money! Results in bold.

LOCK: Steelers -5.5 vs Browns

Steelers win by 4. -$30.

2-TEAM TEASER (lines teased by 6):
Raiders +9.5 vs Chiefs AND Giants -2.5 vs Rams

Raiders win and Giants win by 28. +$30

3-TEAM TEASER (lines teased by 10):
Broncos +12.5 vs Chargers AND Bears +13.5 vs Panthers AND Bills +16.5 vs Jags

Broncos win and Bears lose by 3 and Bills win. +$30

3-TEAM PARLAY (actual spreads)
Packers -2.5 vs Lions AND 49ers +8.5 vs Seahawks AND Colts -1.5 vs Vikings

Packers win by 23 and 49ers win and Colts win by 3. +$60

Started: $100
Current: $190
Profit: $90

I went 8 for 9, hitting my teasers and parlay and only lost my lock. Stupid Browns field goal.

Hoagie Central's Monday Morning Bonerjam NFL Jumbalaya: Week 2

We start the day in beautiful, breezy Carolina...and what's this? The Bears take a 7-0 lead? Surely, it must be Forte or Hester? No? Well good for Orton, I didn't think he had it in--it wasn't him either? Ah, Brandon Lloyd scores on a blocked punt. That makes sense. I knew it couldn't be Orton. Lloyd was actually the leading receiver for the Bears...and that's not a good thing. What's worse? Olsen that great TE from the 7th Floor Crew...you remember him. He had two catches! And two fumbles! Panthers come back from down 17-3, to win 20-17.

Carson Palmer does his best Vince Young impression: 134 yards, no scores, 2 picks. Of course it doesn't help when his leading receiver is DeDe Dorsey. Wait...who the fuck is DeDe Dorsey? Palmer really needs to stop looking for Ocho Cinco's jersey. Also, did Housh change his name to T.J. Twofantasypointszada?

In Detroit, Aaron Rodgers is turning everyone into a fantasy starter. 16 for Jennings, 11 for Driver, 8 for James Jones, and 8 for Jordy Nelson. And good thing too, because Ryan Grant got 20 yards on 15 carries. That's not good. Two straight weeks, the Lions trail by 21-0 in the first half. But with 7 minutes left in the game, Megatron powers up and gets the Lions the lead 25-24. DETROIT REJOICES! And then Packers get a field goal. And then a Kitna interception that leads to a touchdown. And then a Kitna interception for a touchdown. And then a Kitna interception for a touchdown. That's not a broken paste button, that's three picks and three scores in a minute and a half. Final Score: Packers 48-25.

Garrard in 07: three picks. Garrard in 2 games in 08: three picks. After the Jags tie the game at 10 in the 3rd quarter, they sneakily attempt an onside kick and recover. But they didn't count on Mr. Clutch: Trent Edwards. (It seems that Trent is a name with a high NFL QB %, although Brodie might be up there just because who names their kid Brodie?)

Ah, the home opener for the Chiefs. Against their arch rival. Who just got embarrassed by Denver. This might be the best opportunity for a Chiefs win all year. And they get demolished. They give up 300 rushing yards. 300 RUSHING YARDS!? 300!? TO THE RAIDERS!? Meanwhile, Larry Johnson goes 12 for 22. Fuck. Somehow in week 2, we're into our third string QB. And we even let Marques Hagan, a WR no one's ever heard of, take some snaps under center, just for shits and giggles, when we're down 13-0. We're only two scores away from winning in the third quarter, and we're putting in new personnel like it's the 4th preseason game. Herm, these games count! Unless you've forgotten why you play the game...

The theme of this week was unanswered points. The Vikings take a 15-0 lead on 5 field goals, but they really needed Longwell to make his sixth attempt. The Colts come back and win the game, thanks to a shady TD call on Addai's run. Still, thanks for the 20 rushing yards. Fuck you Joe Addai. As for Peterson, he's awesome. But he lived up to his nickname, not getting into the endzone, ALL DAY.

The Rams stink. Too bad they don't play the Chiefs.

How bad is my receiving corps? Randle El is on my bench. But how about this bullshit? He's returning a punt, fumbles, and that counts against him. But if he had scored, he doesn't get the points. So there is no upside to having a receiver that returns punts, and there is now a downside. Still on punt returns, Bush takes one to the house for the Saints to take a 9-point lead, but taunts the Skins before going into the endzone. Didn't he learn his lesson from the NFC Championship against the Bears? Karma comes in the form of 2 Santana Moss touchdowns and the Saints blow it.

In Seattle, Julius Jones looked like he didn't suck. But it was all an illusion. You see, he was playing the 49ers. J.T. O'Sullivan goes over 300 yards and that means free chicken tenders! And half-off the salad bar! Seahawks lose at home to start 0-2. Um...not a lot of good sports news for Seattle.

Remember when we thought Matt Ryan was awesome. Well, he did a good job of throwing it to to the guys wearing red numbers. Problem for the Falcons, is he should have been looking for red jerseys with white numbers. And Michael Turner? 4 fantasy points. This is what happens when you don't play the Lions.

How bad are the Dolphins? At 17-0, the Cards miss a FG. But Miami has 12 men on the field. Same drive, Cards get sacked, but Miami grabs a face mask. Cards score a TD. Also, Boldin is a dick. 3 touchdowns? You couldn't let your friend Larry have one?

The Broncos/Chargers game was super bananas. Both Cutler and Rivers went off. Even Sproles and Young were respectable. The only sucky performance? LT. The Chargers should have won. Ed "Big Guns" Hochuli, blew his whistle wrong, but interpreted the rule about blowing whistles correctly. But shouldn't the ref be given the power to interpret the rules in order to correct mistakes, if possible. Also, everyone loves the call to go for 2. Of course they do. Because it worked. If it doesn't, everyone hates it. No one who wouldn't have made that call, can now say it's a great call. What you are allowed to say, is that Shanahan has bigger balls that you.

I really don't care about Favre. But he did throw his first INT as a Jet. Congrats!

And Pittsbugh beats the Browns, but doesn't cover the spread. When asked why he went for a field goal down 7, Romeo Crennel said "Can you pass the mayo, this cupcake needs frostin'!"

And as for tonight, me predicts free advertising for Jessica Simpson.

Quick Note:
Trendy Picks to Make Playoffs: Seahawks, Jaguars, Browns Vikings, and Chargers: 0-10.
Titans, Giants, Broncos, Panthers, Cardinals, Bills: 12-0.

Saturday, September 13, 2008

Put It On The Board!

Just like the experts, Mark and I are putting our reputations on the line...and on the board!

Our first wager: Week 2 Fantasy Points.

Bulger & Royal (Mark) vs Big Ben & Ginn (Dave)

Update: 11 + 11 vs 13 + 0. Mark wins this wager 22-13.

Board Results: Mark 1, Dave 0

Friday, September 12, 2008

I Have a Gambling Problem

The problem is I've got too many shoe-in picks! Okay, so it's Friday and still don't have anything better to do than visit the Hoagie Central Sportsbook. I've got my imaginary $100 to start the season. Let's go!

LOCK: Steelers -5.5 vs Browns

2-TEAM TEASER (lines teased by 6):
Raiders +9.5 vs Chiefs AND Giants -2.5 vs Rams

3-TEAM TEASER (lines teased by 10):
Broncos +12.5 vs Chargers AND Bears +13.5 vs Panthers AND Bills +16.5 vs Jags

Say 30 bucks each on those three bets...and $10 on this parlay at 6/1 odds.

3-TEAM PARLAY (actual spreads)
Packers -2.5 vs Lions AND 49ers +8.5 vs Seahawks AND Colts -1.5 vs Vikings

I decided to be a man about it and not pick any games twice. So I've covered 9 of the 16 games in action. By Monday I should have turned my $100 into $240.

Weekend Football Preview

I'm not saying this will become a regular feature, but I had nothing better to do.

Best CBS Noon Game: Colts @ Vikings
Chicago CBS Noon Game: Colts @ Vikings
Game I'd personally want to see at Noon on CBS: Raiders @ Chiefs

Best Fox Game: Packers @ Lions
Chicago Fox Game: Bears @ Panthers

Best CBS 3pm Game: Chargers @ Broncos
Chicago CBS 3pm Game: Patriots @ Jets

Sunday Night: Steelers @ Browns (good game)

Monday Night: Eagles @ Cowboys (great game)

All in all five pretty good NFL games. But that's not all. There's good college games too:

Tonight at 7 pm:
(13) Kansas @ (19) South Florida

Of course, Saturday at 7 pm:
(5) OSU at (1) USC

and then at 9:30 pm on Saturday:
(10) Wisconsin at (21) Fresno St.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

ESPN harbors Terrorists

"We do carpet bomb you..." said Vince Doria, ESPN senior vice president and director of news.

Doria said, "And we've got the reputation...of being the big bad...guys that want to capture your mind and tell you what to do and when..."

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Home Team Top 5

I came through with 104 points in Week 1. Good enough for 1st in Burnsy Sucks, but it wasn't a record or anything. But I just noticed that I'm in the top 1100 overall, and amazingly, in the top 5 among Chiefs' fans. If they were distributed evenly, I should be ranked about 34th among Chiefs' fans.

Anyways, I'll take it.

Tuesday, September 09, 2008

Congrats, Chiefs

Hey, we're not in the who's worst poll! That's progress.

Also, I want Chris Simms. Spleen or no.

Construda Week 1 Recap

Dave vs Kirat
Going into Monday Night, I was down 58-67 with Scheffler and Packers D. Could I get 10 points between them?

It was over...
when the Packers returned a punt to the house. Scheffler had one 72-yard catch, and then dropped a pass in the endzone. If both the punt return and 72-yard catch don't happen, I lose by 2.

Could his bench have won it?
Starting the Titans D over the Bears would have given him an extra 5. Edge instead of McGahee is an extra 10. And Clayton over Stallworth is an extra 12. That's 27 points on his bench--Kirat lost by 11.

Mark vs ANN-TIX
Going into Monday Night, Mark was down 55-86 with Grant and Raiders D against Crosby. he needed a miracle.

It was over...
when Ryan Grant didn't get three scores.

Could his bench have won it?
Starting Johnson over Portis would have given him an extra 10. White over Housh is one more. That's 11 points on his bench--Mark lost by 28.

Matt vs MurphMan
Going into Monday Night, Matt was up 97-60. His opponent had Vikings D and Curry.

It was over...
Matt's player's showed up. A solid performance all the way around. 6 players in double digits and kicker with 9. Nice.

Could his bench have won it?
Starting Kitna over Eli would have given him an extra 8. Norwood over LT (yeah, right) is an extra 5. That's 13 points on his bench--MurphMan lost by 28.

Burnsy vs Showtime
Going into Monday Night, Burnsy was down 66-73 with Driver and Jennings. Could he get 8 points?

It was over...
when Jennings caught a 56-yard heave. Driver had a touchdown wiped out by an unrelated penalty, but it didn't matter.

Could his bench have won it?
Starting JaMarcus Russel over Brady (another yeah right) is an extra 14 points. Even Garcia would have been enough to win since he lost by 5. If he benches Brady against the Chiefs, Burnsy loses.

Anyone who starts a suspended Steve Smith doesn't warrant analysis.

08 Picks Recap

This year Mark and I are submitting are picks via Pigskin Pickem, still against the spread. It does the math for me.

Week 1

Dave: 7-9 = Down $40
Mark: 10-6 = Up $80
Sports Guy: 6-10 = Down $80
Sports Gal: 7-9 = Down $40

It appears the new format is good for Mark. (As always, $20 per game, no Vegas commission)

Monday, September 08, 2008

The Return of Hoagie Central's Monday Morning Bonerjam NFL Jumbalaya

BREAKING! We have to start with the latest news on the starting quarterback injured yesterday in Foxborough...Brodie Croyle has a separated right shoulder and hopes to be back in 2-4 weeks. On a related note, QB Patriots (can't remember his name at the moment) might have sprained his knee. I believe he's questionable for next week's game against the Jets.

Let's go back to the start of the 2008 season on Thursday, when the Redskins played terrible for 4 quarters and the Giants played terrible for 3 quarters. You know what they say, it's all about being consistent, and the Redskins showed they had the will to lose. It's hard to comprehend that Eli Manning's 19/35 for 216 yards, 0 td, and 1 int was the better performance.

Michael Turner ran the ball 22 times. For 220 yards and 2 tds. Meanwhile, Jerious Norwood only got 93 and 1 td. Slacker. But you can't really blame the Lions. I mean, no one's ever been able to stop the offensive juggernaut known as the Atlanta Falcons.

Carson Palmer: 2 fantasy points. Joe Flacco: 14. I think the problem for Palmer was that he was looking for his new receiver Ocho Cinco, and he wasn't on the field.

The Bills beat the Seahawks by 24, but 14 of those points came on special teams. I think that's cheating. At least, that's why I think the Chiefs never try to score on special teams. I don't know if the Bills can keep this up, now that the NFL has seen their fake field goal play. The only team that will fall for that now is the Lions.

The Jets barely beat a team that isn't any good either, and now everyone thinks the Jets are going to win the division. Well, if they can keep getting 194 yards out of Brett Favre, he'll be almost as good as Eli Manning.

As soon as I saw the hit on Brady, I thought it was a season-ending injury. During the game, they said he was questionable to return during the game. Anyways, the Chiefs weren't horrible, but they could have won if Dwayne Bowe can catch a freaking football. Of course, he's my favorite player and he Blowes it.

Brees goes for 343. Bush over 160 total yards. And who ices the game for the Saints? Oooh Fujitas!

Remember all that fantasy sleeper talk about the Rams? Me neither. On the Eagles, 3 different players had 100 receiving yards. But you have to expect that from a group as talented as...who the fuck are these guys?

Willie Parker in 2005: 1202 yards but only 4 TD.
Parker in 07: 1316 yards but only 2 TD.
Parker in week 1 of 08: 138 yards and 3 TD. Really, you couldn' t let Ben throw one of those in?

Remember the smashmouth Jaguars that almost upset the Pats last year? Fred Taylor 9 rushes for 18 yards. Well, that must mean all the stats went to MJD. Right? 5 for 13 yards. Um...remind me not to start running backs against the Titans.

Cowboys beat the Browns. This game looked better on paper. One of these days, they should just play the games on paper.

The Panthers had the best ending, upsetting the Chargers at home. Tomlinson 97 yards and no scores. Really? That's the best you can do. 97 fucking yards? You're #1. You couldn't get half as many yards as your former backup.

The 49ers lose by 10, but have you tried the chicken figers at J.T. O'Sullivans? They're amazing, plus you have to get the salad bar!

And finally, the Bears stomp the Colts without even getting a good return out of Hester. The Colts looked on the decline, and the Bears defense looked like they were back. Forte looked solid, and Orton, well, he didn't throw any picks. Also, fuck you Joe Addai.

Thursday, September 04, 2008

Extra Games

So there's talk of shortening the NFL preseason and lengthening the regular season. I don't really care if they cut the preseason games, I'd be fine with 2. But I think it would be a big mistake to change the regular season.

My primary reason is something people might think is stupid, but I think it's extremely important: records. For 30 years, since the start of the '78 season, they've played 16 games. If someone breaks Eric Dickerson's record with an extra game or two, that stinks.

It's already annoying when you have to compare records from pre-78 like OJ or the 17-0 Dolphins.

Anyways, it playing an extra game of football really doesn't do anything for you. The players get paid more, but it doesn't improve things. I say keep the NFL 16 games, keep the NCAA bracket at 64/65, and enjoy the games.

Tuesday, September 02, 2008

3rd Annual NFL Predictions

Playoff teams in bold.










Pats v Jaguars

Cowboys v Vikings

Super Bowl
I picked the Colts 2 years ago to win it all. They did.
Last year I picked the Pats. They went 18-1.
This year I'm going with the Pats to redeem themselves.

Who's watching the Chiefs?

Courtesy of the506.com, we can see what parts of the country will be watching the Week 1 matchup between the Chiefs and the Pats.

Looks fairly normal. The national game is Favre's debut. And there is a good chunk of Chiefs territory and New England is tuning into the Pats. But what's going on in the Southeast? Let's zoom in.
Nestled in between the Jacksonville and Nashville markets, there is a pocket that doesn't want to see the national game either. But why would they want to see KC-NE?

This is Brodie Croyle Country! They want to see their local boy. Except that this is going to be a bloodbath. The Pats are favored by 16.5, by far the biggest spread of the day. I wouldn't be surprised if this is the last time Bama tunes into the Chiefs.