Hoagie Central's Monday Morning Bonerjam NFL Jumbalaya: Week 2

We start the day in beautiful, breezy Carolina...and what's this? The Bears take a 7-0 lead? Surely, it must be Forte or Hester? No? Well good for Orton, I didn't think he had it in--it wasn't him either? Ah, Brandon Lloyd scores on a blocked punt. That makes sense. I knew it couldn't be Orton. Lloyd was actually the leading receiver for the Bears...and that's not a good thing. What's worse? Olsen that great TE from the 7th Floor Crew...you remember him. He had two catches! And two fumbles! Panthers come back from down 17-3, to win 20-17.

Carson Palmer does his best Vince Young impression: 134 yards, no scores, 2 picks. Of course it doesn't help when his leading receiver is DeDe Dorsey. Wait...who the fuck is DeDe Dorsey? Palmer really needs to stop looking for Ocho Cinco's jersey. Also, did Housh change his name to T.J. Twofantasypointszada?

In Detroit, Aaron Rodgers is turning everyone into a fantasy starter. 16 for Jennings, 11 for Driver, 8 for James Jones, and 8 for Jordy Nelson. And good thing too, because Ryan Grant got 20 yards on 15 carries. That's not good. Two straight weeks, the Lions trail by 21-0 in the first half. But with 7 minutes left in the game, Megatron powers up and gets the Lions the lead 25-24. DETROIT REJOICES! And then Packers get a field goal. And then a Kitna interception that leads to a touchdown. And then a Kitna interception for a touchdown. And then a Kitna interception for a touchdown. That's not a broken paste button, that's three picks and three scores in a minute and a half. Final Score: Packers 48-25.

Garrard in 07: three picks. Garrard in 2 games in 08: three picks. After the Jags tie the game at 10 in the 3rd quarter, they sneakily attempt an onside kick and recover. But they didn't count on Mr. Clutch: Trent Edwards. (It seems that Trent is a name with a high NFL QB %, although Brodie might be up there just because who names their kid Brodie?)

Ah, the home opener for the Chiefs. Against their arch rival. Who just got embarrassed by Denver. This might be the best opportunity for a Chiefs win all year. And they get demolished. They give up 300 rushing yards. 300 RUSHING YARDS!? 300!? TO THE RAIDERS!? Meanwhile, Larry Johnson goes 12 for 22. Fuck. Somehow in week 2, we're into our third string QB. And we even let Marques Hagan, a WR no one's ever heard of, take some snaps under center, just for shits and giggles, when we're down 13-0. We're only two scores away from winning in the third quarter, and we're putting in new personnel like it's the 4th preseason game. Herm, these games count! Unless you've forgotten why you play the game...

The theme of this week was unanswered points. The Vikings take a 15-0 lead on 5 field goals, but they really needed Longwell to make his sixth attempt. The Colts come back and win the game, thanks to a shady TD call on Addai's run. Still, thanks for the 20 rushing yards. Fuck you Joe Addai. As for Peterson, he's awesome. But he lived up to his nickname, not getting into the endzone, ALL DAY.

The Rams stink. Too bad they don't play the Chiefs.

How bad is my receiving corps? Randle El is on my bench. But how about this bullshit? He's returning a punt, fumbles, and that counts against him. But if he had scored, he doesn't get the points. So there is no upside to having a receiver that returns punts, and there is now a downside. Still on punt returns, Bush takes one to the house for the Saints to take a 9-point lead, but taunts the Skins before going into the endzone. Didn't he learn his lesson from the NFC Championship against the Bears? Karma comes in the form of 2 Santana Moss touchdowns and the Saints blow it.

In Seattle, Julius Jones looked like he didn't suck. But it was all an illusion. You see, he was playing the 49ers. J.T. O'Sullivan goes over 300 yards and that means free chicken tenders! And half-off the salad bar! Seahawks lose at home to start 0-2. Um...not a lot of good sports news for Seattle.

Remember when we thought Matt Ryan was awesome. Well, he did a good job of throwing it to to the guys wearing red numbers. Problem for the Falcons, is he should have been looking for red jerseys with white numbers. And Michael Turner? 4 fantasy points. This is what happens when you don't play the Lions.

How bad are the Dolphins? At 17-0, the Cards miss a FG. But Miami has 12 men on the field. Same drive, Cards get sacked, but Miami grabs a face mask. Cards score a TD. Also, Boldin is a dick. 3 touchdowns? You couldn't let your friend Larry have one?

The Broncos/Chargers game was super bananas. Both Cutler and Rivers went off. Even Sproles and Young were respectable. The only sucky performance? LT. The Chargers should have won. Ed "Big Guns" Hochuli, blew his whistle wrong, but interpreted the rule about blowing whistles correctly. But shouldn't the ref be given the power to interpret the rules in order to correct mistakes, if possible. Also, everyone loves the call to go for 2. Of course they do. Because it worked. If it doesn't, everyone hates it. No one who wouldn't have made that call, can now say it's a great call. What you are allowed to say, is that Shanahan has bigger balls that you.

I really don't care about Favre. But he did throw his first INT as a Jet. Congrats!

And Pittsbugh beats the Browns, but doesn't cover the spread. When asked why he went for a field goal down 7, Romeo Crennel said "Can you pass the mayo, this cupcake needs frostin'!"

And as for tonight, me predicts free advertising for Jessica Simpson.

Quick Note:
Trendy Picks to Make Playoffs: Seahawks, Jaguars, Browns Vikings, and Chargers: 0-10.
Titans, Giants, Broncos, Panthers, Cardinals, Bills: 12-0.