Monday, September 08, 2008

The Return of Hoagie Central's Monday Morning Bonerjam NFL Jumbalaya


BREAKING! We have to start with the latest news on the starting quarterback injured yesterday in Foxborough...Brodie Croyle has a separated right shoulder and hopes to be back in 2-4 weeks. On a related note, QB Patriots (can't remember his name at the moment) might have sprained his knee. I believe he's questionable for next week's game against the Jets.

Let's go back to the start of the 2008 season on Thursday, when the Redskins played terrible for 4 quarters and the Giants played terrible for 3 quarters. You know what they say, it's all about being consistent, and the Redskins showed they had the will to lose. It's hard to comprehend that Eli Manning's 19/35 for 216 yards, 0 td, and 1 int was the better performance.

Michael Turner ran the ball 22 times. For 220 yards and 2 tds. Meanwhile, Jerious Norwood only got 93 and 1 td. Slacker. But you can't really blame the Lions. I mean, no one's ever been able to stop the offensive juggernaut known as the Atlanta Falcons.

Carson Palmer: 2 fantasy points. Joe Flacco: 14. I think the problem for Palmer was that he was looking for his new receiver Ocho Cinco, and he wasn't on the field.

The Bills beat the Seahawks by 24, but 14 of those points came on special teams. I think that's cheating. At least, that's why I think the Chiefs never try to score on special teams. I don't know if the Bills can keep this up, now that the NFL has seen their fake field goal play. The only team that will fall for that now is the Lions.

The Jets barely beat a team that isn't any good either, and now everyone thinks the Jets are going to win the division. Well, if they can keep getting 194 yards out of Brett Favre, he'll be almost as good as Eli Manning.

As soon as I saw the hit on Brady, I thought it was a season-ending injury. During the game, they said he was questionable to return during the game. Anyways, the Chiefs weren't horrible, but they could have won if Dwayne Bowe can catch a freaking football. Of course, he's my favorite player and he Blowes it.

Brees goes for 343. Bush over 160 total yards. And who ices the game for the Saints? Oooh Fujitas!

Remember all that fantasy sleeper talk about the Rams? Me neither. On the Eagles, 3 different players had 100 receiving yards. But you have to expect that from a group as talented as...who the fuck are these guys?

Willie Parker in 2005: 1202 yards but only 4 TD.
Parker in 07: 1316 yards but only 2 TD.
Parker in week 1 of 08: 138 yards and 3 TD. Really, you couldn' t let Ben throw one of those in?

Remember the smashmouth Jaguars that almost upset the Pats last year? Fred Taylor 9 rushes for 18 yards. Well, that must mean all the stats went to MJD. Right? 5 for 13 yards. Um...remind me not to start running backs against the Titans.

Cowboys beat the Browns. This game looked better on paper. One of these days, they should just play the games on paper.

The Panthers had the best ending, upsetting the Chargers at home. Tomlinson 97 yards and no scores. Really? That's the best you can do. 97 fucking yards? You're #1. You couldn't get half as many yards as your former backup.

The 49ers lose by 10, but have you tried the chicken figers at J.T. O'Sullivans? They're amazing, plus you have to get the salad bar!

And finally, the Bears stomp the Colts without even getting a good return out of Hester. The Colts looked on the decline, and the Bears defense looked like they were back. Forte looked solid, and Orton, well, he didn't throw any picks. Also, fuck you Joe Addai.

1 comment:

  1. have i ever told you how much i love the HCMMBNFLJ? it's consistently awesome. i can't wait for 16+ (playoffs? did somebody say playoffs? playoffs?) weeks.

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