Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burnsy


Starring:

Anchorman: Ron Burnsy
Anchorlady: Missy Corningstone
The Ladies Man: Kirat Fantana
With Sports: Champ Fymbo
And Weather: Brick Pearlman



Missy: My God, what is that smell? Oh!
Kirat : That's the smell of desire my lady.
Missy: God no, it smells like, like a used diaper... filled with...Indian food! Oh, excuse me.
Kirat: You know, desire smells like that to some people.

Dave: The bottom line is you've been spending a lot of time with this lady, Niraj. You're a member of the Channel Four News Team!
Niraj: That's a given.
Dave: We need you. Hell, I need you. I'm a mess without you! I miss you so damn much. I miss being with you, I miss being near you. I miss your laugh. I miss your scent; I miss your musk. When this all gets sorted out, I think you and me should get an apartment together!
Kirat : Take it easy, Dave. Why don't you stop talking for a while.

Missy: Take me to Pleasure Town!
Niraj: Oh, we're going there!

Niraj: You are a smelly pirate hooker!
Missy: You look like a blueberry!
Niraj: Why don't you go back to your home on Whore Island!
Missy: Well you... have bad hair!

Kirat : I think I was in love once.
Niraj: Really? What was her name?
Kirat : I don't remember.
Niraj: That's not a good start, but keep going...
Kirat : She was Brazilian, or Chinese, or something weird. I met her in the bathroom of a K-Mart and we made out for hours. Then we parted ways, never to see each other again.
Niraj: I'm pretty sure that's not love.
Kirat: Damn it!

Niraj: I wanna say something. I'm gonna put it out there; if you like it, you can take it, if you don't, send it right back. I want to be on you.

Niraj: I don't know how to put this but I'm kind of a big deal.
Missy: Really.
Niraj: People know me.
Missy: Well, I'm very happy for you.
Niraj: I'm very important. I have many leather-bound books and my apartment smells of rich mahogany.

Kirat : Don't get me wrong, I love the ladies. I mean they rev my engines, but they don't belong in the newsroom!
Dave: It is anchor*man*, not anchor*lady*! And that is a scientific fact.
Mark: I don't know what we're yelling about!
Kirat : You're with us, Niraj, what do you think?
Niraj: [shouting] She... Sh... It's terrible! She has beautiful eyes, and her hair smells like cinnamon!
Mark: [shouts] Loud noises!

Niraj: Boy, that escalated quickly... I mean, that really got out of hand fast!
Dave: It jumped up a notch!
Niraj: It did, didn't it?
Mark: Yeah, I stabbed a man in the heart!
Niraj: I saw that! Mark killed a guy! Did you throw a trident?
Mark: Yeah, there were horses, and a man on fire, and I killed a guy with a trident!
Niraj: Mark, I've been meaning to talk to you about that. You should find yourself a safehouse or a relative close by. Lay low for a while, because you're probably wanted for murder.

Niraj: Mark, where did you get a hand grenade?
Mark: I don't know.

Dave: What's this?
Matt Mantooth: Well, well, well, Niraj and the Channel 4 News Team.
Niraj: Hello, Matt Mantooth, Hello, Evening News team.
Matt Mantooth: Nice clothes, gentlemen! I didn't know that the Salvation Army was having a sale. Am I right? Am I right? Look at these guys!
Mark: Hey! Where did you get those clothes? At the toilet store?
Matt Mantooth: What are you doing on our stations turf, Burnsy? You're about to get a serious beat down.
Dave: I will smash your face into a car windshield, and then take your mother Dorothy Mantooth out for a nice seafood dinner and never call her again!

Dave: What in the hell's diversity?
Niraj: [clears throat] Well, I could be wrong, but I believe uh, diversity is an old wooden ship that was used during the civil war era.


Niraj: Wait, Missy, please tell me this is some kind of sick tasteless joke.
Missy: You weren't here! Why are you being this way? Why can't you just be proud of me as a peer and my gentleman lover?
Niraj: I can't believe you did this to me! You read my news!
Missy: I told you that I wanted to be an anchor. I told you that.
Niraj: I thought you were kidding! I thought it was a joke, I even wrote it down in my diary. Missy had a very funny joke today. I laughed at it later that night!
Missy: I can't believe that I cared for you!
Niraj: Get out! Just go! We are through! Through! Because of your actions, you scorpion woman!
Missy: You have broken my heart, Mr. Burnsy. You have broken my heart.

Kirat : That was one crazy party. I am hung over.
Dave: I woke up on the floor of some Japanesse family's living room, and they would NOT stop screaming!
Mark: I ate a big, red candle.

Niraj: Look, it's the most glorious rainbow ever.
Missy: Do me on it!

Missy: [in bear pit] In case we die here today, there's something that you should know. That dirty trick with the Teleprompter. It wasn't...
Niraj: Sweet Eli Whitney's nose! It wasn't you, was it? It was Matt Mantooth. Oh, I should have known.
Missy: No, no. No, I did it.
Niraj: [screams] You bitch!
[bears wake up]
Niraj: You woke up the bears! Why did you do that?

Missy: Mr. Burnsy, you have a *massive* erection!
Niraj: Oh, uh, it's the pleats...

Kirat: It's called Sex Panther by Odeon; it's illegal in nine countries. It's made with bits of real panther, so you know it's good.

Mark: [opposing women in the newsroom] I read somewhere their periods attract bears. Bears can smell the menstruation.
Kirat: Well, that's just great. You hear that, Ed? Bears. Now you're putting the whole station in jeopardy.

Mark: I ate fiberglass insulation. It wasn't cotton candy like the guy said... my tummy itches.

Kirat: People call me the K-man; I'm the stylish one of the group. I know what you're asking yourself and the answer is yes. I have a nick name for my penis. Its called the Octagon, but I also nick named my testes - my left one is James Westfall and my right one is Doctor Kenneth Noisewater. You ladies play your cards right you just might get to meet the whole gang.

Kirat: That was some crazy party. I am hungover.
Dave: I know. I woke up this morning and I shit a squirrel. I'm not kidding! It just came out of nowhere. I tried to flush it down the toilet and it crawled back up.
Mark: Sorry, Dave. I think I ate your chocolate squirrel.

Dave: Dave here. I'm all about havin' fun. You know, start a fire in someone's kitchen, maybe go to SeaWorld, take my pants off... Anyway, I've become kind of famous for my signature catch-phrase - WHAMMY! Like, Gene Tennis at the plate... and WHAMMY!

Mark: [while coughing] Cough. Look over here.
[spoken]
Mark: Excuse me, Missy?
Missy: Yes? What is it, Mark?
Mark: I would like to extend to you an invitation to the pants party.
Missy: Excuse me?
Mark: [struggling] The... party. With the... with the pants. Party with
pants?
Missy: Mark, are you saying that there's a party in your pants and that
I'm invited?
Mark: That's it.
Missy: Did Kirat tell you to say this, Mark?
Mark: No! Yes. He did.

4 comments:

  1. Why do I have to be Brick? Clearly that's Kirat and I'm Brian Fantana. You nailed the other ones.

    Also, I've been meaning to reply to your other posts but have been too lazy. Sure seems like you're having a slow work week.

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  2. well written. i see an oscar nod for best screenplay.

    the role assignments were right on. ALL of them!

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  3. Brick is the weatherman, and Mark's the one been emailing us about the weather so much.

    And Mark sounds like Brick, more than Kirat sounds like Brick. Case closed.

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  4. Excellent stuff. Most excellent.

    ReplyDelete