Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burnsy

Starring:

Anchorman: Ron Burnsy
Anchorlady: Missy Corningstone
The Ladies Man: Kirat Fantana
With Sports: Champ Fymbo
And Weather: Brick Pearlman

Missy: My God, what is that smell? Oh!
Kirat : That's the smell of desire my lady.
Missy: God no, it smells like, like a used diaper... filled with...Indian food! Oh, excuse me.
Kirat: You know, desire smells like that to some people.

Dave: The bottom line is you've been spending a lot of time with this lady, Niraj. You're a member of the Channel Four News Team!
Niraj: That's a given.
Dave: We need you. Hell, I need you. I'm a mess without you! I miss you so damn much. I miss being with you, I miss being near you. I miss your laugh. I miss your scent; I miss your musk. When this all gets sorted out, I think you and me should get an apartment together!
Kirat : Take it easy, Dave. Why don't you stop talking for a while.

Missy: Take me to Pleasure Town!
Niraj: Oh, we're going there!

Niraj: You are a smelly pirate hooker!
Missy: You look like a blueberry!
Niraj: Why don't you go back to your home on Whore Island!
Missy: Well you... have bad hair!

Kirat : I think I was in love once.
Niraj: Really? What was her name?
Kirat : I don't remember.
Niraj: That's not a good start, but keep going...
Kirat : She was Brazilian, or Chinese, or something weird. I met her in the bathroom of a K-Mart and we made out for hours. Then we parted ways, never to see each other again.
Niraj: I'm pretty sure that's not love.
Kirat: Damn it!

Niraj: I wanna say something. I'm gonna put it out there; if you like it, you can take it, if you don't, send it right back. I want to be on you.

Niraj: I don't know how to put this but I'm kind of a big deal.
Missy: Really.
Niraj: People know me.
Missy: Well, I'm very happy for you.
Niraj: I'm very important. I have many leather-bound books and my apartment smells of rich mahogany.

Kirat : Don't get me wrong, I love the ladies. I mean they rev my engines, but they don't belong in the newsroom!
Dave: It is anchor*man*, not anchor*lady*! And that is a scientific fact.
Mark: I don't know what we're yelling about!
Kirat : You're with us, Niraj, what do you think?
Niraj: [shouting] She... Sh... It's terrible! She has beautiful eyes, and her hair smells like cinnamon!
Mark: [shouts] Loud noises!

Niraj: Boy, that escalated quickly... I mean, that really got out of hand fast!
Dave: It jumped up a notch!
Niraj: It did, didn't it?
Mark: Yeah, I stabbed a man in the heart!
Niraj: I saw that! Mark killed a guy! Did you throw a trident?
Mark: Yeah, there were horses, and a man on fire, and I killed a guy with a trident!
Niraj: Mark, I've been meaning to talk to you about that. You should find yourself a safehouse or a relative close by. Lay low for a while, because you're probably wanted for murder.

Niraj: Mark, where did you get a hand grenade?
Mark: I don't know.

Dave: What's this?
Matt Mantooth: Well, well, well, Niraj and the Channel 4 News Team.
Niraj: Hello, Matt Mantooth, Hello, Evening News team.
Matt Mantooth: Nice clothes, gentlemen! I didn't know that the Salvation Army was having a sale. Am I right? Am I right? Look at these guys!
Mark: Hey! Where did you get those clothes? At the toilet store?
Matt Mantooth: What are you doing on our stations turf, Burnsy? You're about to get a serious beat down.
Dave: I will smash your face into a car windshield, and then take your mother Dorothy Mantooth out for a nice seafood dinner and never call her again!

Dave: What in the hell's diversity?
Niraj: [clears throat] Well, I could be wrong, but I believe uh, diversity is an old wooden ship that was used during the civil war era.


Niraj: Wait, Missy, please tell me this is some kind of sick tasteless joke.
Missy: You weren't here! Why are you being this way? Why can't you just be proud of me as a peer and my gentleman lover?
Niraj: I can't believe you did this to me! You read my news!
Missy: I told you that I wanted to be an anchor. I told you that.
Niraj: I thought you were kidding! I thought it was a joke, I even wrote it down in my diary. Missy had a very funny joke today. I laughed at it later that night!
Missy: I can't believe that I cared for you!
Niraj: Get out! Just go! We are through! Through! Because of your actions, you scorpion woman!
Missy: You have broken my heart, Mr. Burnsy. You have broken my heart.

Kirat : That was one crazy party. I am hung over.
Dave: I woke up on the floor of some Japanesse family's living room, and they would NOT stop screaming!
Mark: I ate a big, red candle.

Niraj: Look, it's the most glorious rainbow ever.
Missy: Do me on it!

Missy: [in bear pit] In case we die here today, there's something that you should know. That dirty trick with the Teleprompter. It wasn't...
Niraj: Sweet Eli Whitney's nose! It wasn't you, was it? It was Matt Mantooth. Oh, I should have known.
Missy: No, no. No, I did it.
Niraj: [screams] You bitch!
[bears wake up]
Niraj: You woke up the bears! Why did you do that?

Missy: Mr. Burnsy, you have a *massive* erection!
Niraj: Oh, uh, it's the pleats...

Kirat: It's called Sex Panther by Odeon; it's illegal in nine countries. It's made with bits of real panther, so you know it's good.

Mark: [opposing women in the newsroom] I read somewhere their periods attract bears. Bears can smell the menstruation.
Kirat: Well, that's just great. You hear that, Ed? Bears. Now you're putting the whole station in jeopardy.

Mark: I ate fiberglass insulation. It wasn't cotton candy like the guy said... my tummy itches.

Kirat: People call me the K-man; I'm the stylish one of the group. I know what you're asking yourself and the answer is yes. I have a nick name for my penis. Its called the Octagon, but I also nick named my testes - my left one is James Westfall and my right one is Doctor Kenneth Noisewater. You ladies play your cards right you just might get to meet the whole gang.

Kirat: That was some crazy party. I am hungover.
Dave: I know. I woke up this morning and I shit a squirrel. I'm not kidding! It just came out of nowhere. I tried to flush it down the toilet and it crawled back up.
Mark: Sorry, Dave. I think I ate your chocolate squirrel.

Dave: Dave here. I'm all about havin' fun. You know, start a fire in someone's kitchen, maybe go to SeaWorld, take my pants off... Anyway, I've become kind of famous for my signature catch-phrase - WHAMMY! Like, Gene Tennis at the plate... and WHAMMY!

Mark: [while coughing] Cough. Look over here.
[spoken]
Mark: Excuse me, Missy?
Missy: Yes? What is it, Mark?
Mark: I would like to extend to you an invitation to the pants party.
Missy: Excuse me?
Mark: [struggling] The... party. With the... with the pants. Party with
pants?
Missy: Mark, are you saying that there's a party in your pants and that
I'm invited?
Mark: That's it.
Missy: Did Kirat tell you to say this, Mark?
Mark: No! Yes. He did.