The Allure of Improvement

Often times, I enjoy a nice meal and I think to myself how could I have made it better. What would I order next time? At Potbelly, I should say no mustard. And get the cookie, but not the chips. And instead of root beer, maybe cream soda. At chipotle, this time I got steak, but next time it's back to barbacoa. And I won't get the chips or the guacamole, it's unneccessary.

Why do I enjoy thinking about what to change? It gives me something to look forward to. That this could be even better. And sometimes you order things that take a couple tries to get right, do you get the ribs and the pork, the beef, the sausage or chicken. But when you sit down and enjoy a nice meal of pulled pork, chicken, bbq beans, french fries, and cornbread muffins, and you say "I wouldn't change a thing"... there is something satisfying but yet you realize that it won't get any better.

And I think that we all like to look forward to things getting better, no matter how good they already are.

Future of the Chiefs

I waited as long as I could, but I've got to dive back in to the Kansas City Football Chiefs.

The Chiefs are coming off a 10-6 season and with Larry Johnson at the helm, things seem to be in pretty good shape. Unfortunately, this team is not Championship ready and things may get worse before they get better.

Obviously, it is a challenge to get groups of talented players together at the same time. It's easier to focus on one side of the ball, or focus on skill positions, but it's hard to focus on every area at once.

The Chiefs have had one of the best offenses and offensive lines in the last 5 years or so. But the future of that looks not so great. The O-line has gone from "old" to old with holes in it, as Roaf has just retired. Gonzo's getting older. Trent Green can only play high level for maybe 2 more seasons. And they've never had any great receivers.

But they do have Larry Johnson. But if they don't get the line repaired, and get a Quarterback of the future, it could be hard for LJ to do what everyone expects.

On the defensive side, it's been a struggle. And they've been showing signs of progress, but not fast enough. If the defense could have come together last year, with Roaf, and not blown the Eagles game, the Chiefs would have been 11-5 - the Steelers wouldn't have made it into the playoffs - and they were red hot at the end of the year.

But the defense will need a couple years under Herman Edwards to really play the Cover 2 well. By that time, who knows if the offense will still have any life left in it.

A vastly incomplete collection of football plays

Music City Miracle

River City Relay

Randy Moss Laterals

Dante vs Denver: Round One

Dante vs Denver: Round Two

Alamo Bowl: Nebraska vs Michigan

Vick vs Vikings

Complete (ly Worthless) NFL Predictions: Part Two

AFC Championship:
Patriots vs Colts

NFC Championship:
Giants vs Panthers

Super Bowl:
Colts vs Panthers

Super Bowl Winner:
Colts


I'm not sure why I bother with these ridiculous preseason picks. If you think you can do better, let's see it in the comments.

Complete (ly Worthless) NFL Predictions: Part One

Patriots
Dolphins (wc)
Bills
Jets

Steelers
Bengals (wc)
Browns
Ravens

Colts
Titans
Jaguars
Texans

Broncos
Chiefs
Chargers
Raiders


Giants
Cowboys (wc)
Eagles
Redskins

Bears
Vikings
Packers
Lions

Panthers
Falcons
Saints
Bucs

Seahawks
Cardinals (wc)
Rams
49ers


That's right! Arizona's going to the playoffs! Back with playoff predictions in Part Two.

What if I were to tell you that the NFL is only 12 days away. Is that something you might be interested in?

I just can't get enough of Bob and Ari.

More Entourage Quotes

Part One

Ari: You lost him at Sanka.

Bob: Cybill Shepherd...tons of talent, no underpants.

Bob: I won't ride in that Nazi sled.

Ari: What if I told you that I had a 22 inch cock. Is that something you might be interested in?

Ari: It’s like high school, E — you can’t fuck the prom queen until she finds out her best friend jerked you off underneath the bleachers.

Ari: Fuck the phones, Lloyd. Unless Carmen Electra calls for an emergency titty fuck, don’t answer.

Eric: Yeah, seriously, Drama, 'cause I haven't seen someone sweat like that since Patrick Ewing retired.

Bob: How would you like to see Candy Bergen playing tennis in her underwear... fantastic ass.

Ari: I drove to work in an $80,000 Mercedes. Now I'm driving home in a prop car from 'The Fast and The Furious.'

Ari: I'm sorry baby. You know I'd rather be at Menopause: The Musical, but I got kidnapped.

Seth Green: I must have been dreadming when I blasted her in the face like a Jackson Pollock.

Drama: When opportunity knocks, let her the fuck in. And for God's sake, let her go down on your girlfriend!

Ari: Tell Drama he's on my to-do list after putting needles in my cock.

There's plenty more good ones out there that I'm missing, if you know any, leave them in the comments.

America: Funny, on Video, and at Home

Was I the only one that was annoyed with Bob Saget's play-by-play on Funniest Home Videos 15 years ago? Especially the sound effects. Everytime I watched it, all I could think about was, if I had sent in the clip, I would not want Bob Saget pretending to be the voice of my baby/cat peeing/eating on something that involved a groin hit. It just takes away from the authenticity.

Sports Calendar II

So I already made a list of what how the holidays should line up with sporting events, but now I'm thinking more just about the sports that I watch throughout the year.

The Sports Year really does start with the beginning of football season. Going from September to January, it's a beautiful thing. Once the Super Bowl is over, I can easily transition into College Basketball. The conference tournaments get going in February and March has plenty of Madness.

If I were a baseball fan, it would be perfect timing to get into baseball - long enough to get me back to football season. But I'm not. So from April to August is the off-season. Sure there's the NBA playoffs, and NHL playoffs too, but it's merely a distraction.

But the good news is it's August. The preseason has started. My fantasy teams are drafted. And I'm ready for some football.

best song of 2006

Hot Dogging

Mike Royko:

"No, I won't condemn anyone for putting ketchup on a hot dog. This is the land of the free. And if someone wants to put ketchup on a hot dog and actually eat the awful thing, that is their right. It is also their right to put mayo or chocolate syrup or toenail clippings or cat hair on a hot dog. Sure, it would be disgusting and perverted, and they would be shaming themselves and their loved ones. But under our system of government, it is their right to be barbarians."

At this point, I really can't enjoy a hot dog without the holy trinity of toppings: mustard, onion, and relish. And if I'm getting one while I'm out, I'll order it with everything but tomato, which adds pickle spear, sport peppers and celery salt.

What's this got to do with sports?
Nathan's sham of a contest, that's what.

They say it's a hot dog eating contest, but really they should advertise it as a meat eating contest combined with mushy, wet bun eating contest. Because how the champ eats it, is not a hot dog.

For it to be a hot dog, the dog must be in the bun. There is no "soaking" of any ingredients in water to make them go down easier. And they need at least mustard. If you want to load it up Chicago style, fine by me, but you can't eat a hot dog without mustard.

Top 3

All the talk about the fantasy football top players has centered around the Big 3 running backs: LJ, LT, Shaun Alexander. And the decision on all the magazines has been, LJ or SA? Well, unfortunately, all 3 running backs have things going against them.

Larry Johnson
First, Roaf retires, then Shields limps off the Giants game. The Chiefs O-line, for years one of the best - if not the best in the league, hasn't looked good in either preseason game, and no matter how good Larry Johnson is - he's incredible, no doubt about that - he still needs holes to run in. And without great blocking, the chances for injury go up.

Shaun Alexander
He's been the most consistent back in football. But he has three things going against him, Contract Year curse, Madden Cover curse, and Super Bowl loser curse. One of those alone is enough to take down a superstar, so what will happen with all 3? Not to mention, he lost one of the best offensive lineman, too. I'm not expecting numbers like his previous years. He'll still be able to get 2 or maybe 3 touchdowns in games against the Rams or Cardinals or 49ers, but outside the division, I'm prediciting a lot of 85 yard rushing games - not nearly enough for top pick material.

LT
He's so good, he can even through touchdown passes. But he's got a new quarterback to work with. If Rivers doesn't play well, LT could be facing a lot of men in the box. But I think Rivers will do well enough to put the ball in his hands, on both running and passing plays.

So I'd put SA 3rd, unless you were bold enough to think Cadillac Williams is worth the #3 spot, and then have to decide between LJ and LT. I think LT will have a great solid season. But LJ has the potential for a record-breaking season. The absence of his line, and Tony Richardson will hurt him. Probably more than people think. But he almost had 2,000 yards last year, and he only started half the games. He's worth the risk because he could be setting records this year.

Getting Defensive

Now baseball is not my cup of tea, but that didn't stop this thought from popping in to my head. Say it's the 7th or 8th inning and you've got a 2 good relievers ready to pitch, a righty and a lefty. And you want to create favorable matchups depending on the batter's favored hand. But the opposing line up has left handed and right handed batters staggered. Do you just live in your best reliever for all of the batters, because you don't want to take him out?

Why not bring in the lefty for a batter, but move your right handed pitcher to Right Field. And then after that batter, swap move the lefty to Right Field. I beleive you could keep making defensive substitutions and keep both pitchers in the game. In the event that a ball does go to right field, I'm sure the average pitcher could field it, and have the arm strengh to throw it in.

Actually, that raises an interesting question. Let's create an All-star skills competition, featuring only pitchers, trying to throw runners out from 3rd on a sac fly. Now that's testing your pitch placement.

The Deadspin Effect

So there's this thing called blogging, or so I've heard, and it appears that the gist of it is: people write down things and other people read them.

Well, when I started this little shenanigan of a site, I had the idea that I would be presenting my grand ideas to the masses. This is my soapbox. Well, obviously the only people that were reading it were the few friends that I had told about it. But I had the illusion that I was writing this for anyone that wanted to read it.

But then I stumbled upon Deadspin. The sports blog of sports blogs. And I started reading it every day, 10 times a day. And I eventually started making comments, that linked back to this site. And then I got Deadspin to link to one of my posts, and before I knew it, other people, complete strangers were reading my silly little posts.

What I realized was that it was kind of nice, not to have to worry about anyone reading my posts. That I was really writing because I liked writing, and I liked having a few friends read it and say that I liked it. And I never really needed anyone else to know it existed. And now it exists, not by much, but enough that anyone looking for entourage quotes can find it and tell me that the quotes that I copied and pasted contained an error, or that they find my opinion on baseball stats, "retarded." And that's okay. But it's still a little strange.

Layers of Reality

So, there are lots of things in movies that are unrealistic. That we pass off as "oh, it's a movie". But unless they are special effects, those things are really happenning.

For example, the 5-year old character that drops an F-bomb and shocks everyone at the dinner table. Hilarious. And it's only a movie. But in reality, there is some parent watching their 5-year old (maybe he's 8 and playing 5 - but still) and the director told their kid to swear. He maybe a child actor, but he's still a child.

Or product placement. In Talledaga Nights, they use product placement for great humor. How Powerade sponsored part of his dinnner prayer. The Applebee's juxtapositon as a gourmet meal. Rip-roaring funny. But even though they are there for the sake of humor, it's still a product placement. And I bet those companies had to pay to get in there.

What about actors playing parents and kids, and they act out a goodnight kiss. There's some dad watching a movie looking at his 10-year old daughter, and saying "Kevin Spacey just kissed my daughter!"

Mickleson Mammaries

Before I get in to the title topic, a quick thought on the addition on female referees. Will that increase the jokes along the lines of, "Get of your knees, you're blowing the game!"? Or will the harassment go even farther, and degenerate into a sexist cavalcade that makes being a female ref almost impossible? Because I believe in equality, and I think that female refs will be able to make terrible calls, just as well as the men have been doing for years.

But onward to Phil and his giant ta-tas. I'll spare you the photgraphic evidence, but the question remains, why? Why doesn't he do something about it? Perhaps, like most aging men, he's not interested in exercising to get rid of them...okay, fine. But what if, he is officially convinced that they are a neccessary counterweight to his golf swing. What if he is afraid to do some Chest Presses because he's afraid of losing fat and altering his swing? Wouldn't that be great?

I imagine him publishing his memoir after a couple more major victories, and he dedicates the book to his flopping boobs. The secret to his success. Overweight teenagers pick up golf clubs and perfect the Phil swing. I can see it now.