Hoagie Central's Monday Morning Bonerjam NFL Jumbalaya: Week 2 2010

The Cowboys were 8.5 point favorite at home against Chicago. Dallas outgained, and outconverted 3rd downs, but they had 3 turnovers. Meanwhile, Cutler has a great game with 3 scores and no picks. While it looks like you can pencil in the Packers as the division winners, Chicago's setting themselves up nicely for a wild-card berth.

Speaking of the Packers, they had a ho-hum 27-point blowout of the Bills. Buffalo seemed to be more interested in showcasing Lynch as trade bait. The Bills haven't done anything yet to prove they aren't the worst team in the league, or at least the conference.

Meanwhile, at the Metrodome, they popped the cork on a vintage Favre performance. Swirl the glass to smell the sweet aroma of 4 turnovers. Classic. The Dolphins open with 2 road wins, and the AFC East looks like a three-way dogfight, plus the Bills.

Matt Ryan is 13-1 at home and the Falcons bounce back after losing at Pittsburgh on the road in overtime last week. The Cardinals stink. It's a shame for Fitzgerald that Holmes made that Super Bowl catch, because the good times in Arizona are over.

So the Titans look great in week 1, now they're home against the Steelers who are playing a combo of Dennis Dixon and Charlie Batch...and they can't do anything against that defense. Chris Johnson held under 40 yards. They bench VY and Collins gets in to throw a pick. If the Steelers can win on the road with those QBs, watch out, because their defense is for real again.

The Panthers/Bucs are an example of how fantasy skews your perspective. The Bucs have no fantasy stars, and the Panthers have 2 good backs. But the Bucs go on the road and Freeman looks good. Matt Moore not so much, plus an injury, and the Jimmy Clausen era is ready to begin in Carolina. If you picked the Panthers to be last in the South, congrats.

Lions get up 17-7 on 2 scores by Jahvid Best, who's breaking all sorts of records. Now we all know what Schwartz meant when he said. "Some people watch adult videos on their computer, I go to YouTube and watch Jahvid Best highlight clips. That's what gets me aroused." But because it's Detroit, the Eagles score 4 touchdowns unaswered, 35-17. Again the Lions storm back, too little too late. Also, have 2 running backs owned by the same fantasy team who looked that unimpressive on paper, ever combined for that many points? 76.5 for Best and McCoy. Matt didn't have a chance.

After winning ugly vs the Jets last week, the Ravens fall to the Bengals. But the Ravens always struggle with Cinci; there are better days ahead for Baltimore. A roughing the passer that shouldn't have been also helped the Bengals get the go-ahead field goal.

Denver wins at home. Yawn. This is how stuff works. Seattle can beat the 49ers at home. Denver can beat Seattle at home. Can the 49ers beat the Saints at home? We'll find out tonight while Hartley kicks 4 field goals.

Rare that you bench your newly acquired free agent QB, and get a win out of it. But I guess that's how good Bruce Gradkowski is. Also, that stupid field in Oakland with the baseball dirt is terrible.

Moss scores on Revis Island, but it doesn't matter. You cannot stop Mark Sanchez, you can only hope to contain him! The Pats still have Brady, but don't have the defense that led them to titles.

Garrard was not as silky as Rivers. I think the Chargers proved that they are still the best team in the AFC West.

And the Manning Bowl was a dud. Did the Colts not read Simmons' column? The same one that thought the Colts were done with, but led with a big focus about not jumping to conclusions after week 1?

And then we get to Texans @ Redskins.

Washington proved they had an offense and jumped out to a 27-10 lead in the 3rd quarter at home. Cut to 27-20 in the 4th and the Texans' Pollard blocks a field goal. And just before the final two-minute warning, on 4th and 10, throws a prayer to A. Johnson, who answers it in the end zone.

In overtime, the Texans get the ball first, and instead of allowing Rackers to attempt a 53-yarder for the win, they punt. I thought it was a mistake, that you have to attempt to win. The punt goes for a touchback and before you know it, the Redskins are ready to attempt a 52-yarder.

The same kicker that had one blocked earlier, this time sails it right through. But Kubiak, the Texans coach, called timeout and it doesn't count. Of course, the NFL coach that first used that move is the current Redskins coach, Shanahan. The second time, the kicker shanks it right and now you know how this story ends.

With the good field position, and the final of Schuab's 497 passing yards, the Texans set up a game-winning Rackers field goal. And that's what happens in the NFL. If it works, you're a genius.

Hoagie Central's Monday Morning Bonerjam NFL Jumbalaya: Week 1 2010

Sunday night featured a game between two playoff contenders in the competitive NFC East.
Sunday morning featured a game between two basement dwellers in the lackluster NFC North.

But lets explore the similarities.

The favored teams--the Bears and Cowboys--had more offensive yards, yet more turnovers. The favored teams also made terrible coaching decisions. When the Lions can't move the ball, and you couldn't break the plane on 3 chances, you've have to take the lead with the field goal. And when I saw Romo drop back from his own 37, I thought "wouldn't it be funny if he fumbled and the Redskins scored?" And the reason I thought that, is that's the only thing you can think from that position. I didn't have the foresight to predict that Romo would flip it to Choice, who would fumble away the game.

And both games ended with a player catching the ball in the endzone, and neither one counted. The Cowboys was the right call, an obvious holding that clearly affected the play. The Lions got robbed. Here's why: the rule about completing the process of the catch makes sense if you envision a receiver diving for it, grabbing it, his knee hits down while in control, but then when his body hits the ground it comes loose. It doesn't look like a catch. Even if a knee would make him down if he was a running back, he never had control. But what Calvin Johnson did?

He got two feet in the endzone. Then his butt hit in bounds in the endzone. (As we know, a butt counts as two feet anyways.) Then he's getting up and he still has control and he uses the ball to lift himself up, and the ball is still in control when it touches the ground. That's a catch.

But what do I know?

- - -

Fun Stats

Bears-Lions game featured 13 punts and 7 lost fumbles.

Texans were 30th in rushing last year. Foster had 231 rushing yards yesterday against conference champion Colts.

Stevo has Chris Johnson and the Player of the Week, Arian Foster.

Niraj had 2 of the top 3 performances, Manning and Forte. Forte should have had more than his 35 points, as he was shut down on 3 carries from the 1.

Manning outscores Schuab 35-8, in a 24-34 loss.

Back from the dead, the week's #1 receiver was Chad Ochocinco.

On 4th down inside the final minute, the Redskins let Miles Austin go uncovered down the middle.

ESPN projected me to beat Niraj by 23, the largest margin. Quite likely that I will lose by the largest margin. Possible that I get the lowest score of the week.

Michael Vick (on waivers) who didn't start for the Eagles, had the 5th best QB fantasy day, in a loss. Brees and Rodgers had 14th and 15th best days, in wins.

I was the first to get negative points for a kicker, -1 for Hartley.

Kirat was the first to get negative points for his defense, -5 for Bengals against Patriots.

Bonerjam Express

Since apparently, I don't have time for a fullout bonerjam...

The Chiefs have escaped the winless department. Still there? Bengals, Texans, Lions, Rams. Seems about right. Now the Chiefs have the same number of wins as the Colts, Vikings, and Seahawks.

In my preview picks, I thought long and hard about going with the Steelers and Broncos to win their divisions. But I heard the Pitt O-line and Denver defense were suspect. The Eagles proved that last week for the Steelers and the Chiefs proved that Sunday for the Donkeys.

Bills, Giants, Titans and Ravens still undefeated. I'm not sold on the Bills, and as soon as Kerry Collins gets injured, count me out on the Titans.

The Jags are back from the dead, and the Panthers are a quiet 3-1.

The Eagles are far and away the best last place team. I think they could win the Super Bowl.

Mark is still ahead in picks: 34-31. I went 8-4 this week with MNF tonight.

The Bills played the Rams in the Battle of the Trents. And I thought I couldn't hate Marion Barber anymore, then I finally pick him in home team and he gets me 3 points. DIE. Perhaps my least favorite NFL player.

Hoagie Central's Monday Morning Bonerjam NFL Jumbalaya: Week 2

We start the day in beautiful, breezy Carolina...and what's this? The Bears take a 7-0 lead? Surely, it must be Forte or Hester? No? Well good for Orton, I didn't think he had it in--it wasn't him either? Ah, Brandon Lloyd scores on a blocked punt. That makes sense. I knew it couldn't be Orton. Lloyd was actually the leading receiver for the Bears...and that's not a good thing. What's worse? Olsen that great TE from the 7th Floor Crew...you remember him. He had two catches! And two fumbles! Panthers come back from down 17-3, to win 20-17.

Carson Palmer does his best Vince Young impression: 134 yards, no scores, 2 picks. Of course it doesn't help when his leading receiver is DeDe Dorsey. Wait...who the fuck is DeDe Dorsey? Palmer really needs to stop looking for Ocho Cinco's jersey. Also, did Housh change his name to T.J. Twofantasypointszada?

In Detroit, Aaron Rodgers is turning everyone into a fantasy starter. 16 for Jennings, 11 for Driver, 8 for James Jones, and 8 for Jordy Nelson. And good thing too, because Ryan Grant got 20 yards on 15 carries. That's not good. Two straight weeks, the Lions trail by 21-0 in the first half. But with 7 minutes left in the game, Megatron powers up and gets the Lions the lead 25-24. DETROIT REJOICES! And then Packers get a field goal. And then a Kitna interception that leads to a touchdown. And then a Kitna interception for a touchdown. And then a Kitna interception for a touchdown. That's not a broken paste button, that's three picks and three scores in a minute and a half. Final Score: Packers 48-25.

Garrard in 07: three picks. Garrard in 2 games in 08: three picks. After the Jags tie the game at 10 in the 3rd quarter, they sneakily attempt an onside kick and recover. But they didn't count on Mr. Clutch: Trent Edwards. (It seems that Trent is a name with a high NFL QB %, although Brodie might be up there just because who names their kid Brodie?)

Ah, the home opener for the Chiefs. Against their arch rival. Who just got embarrassed by Denver. This might be the best opportunity for a Chiefs win all year. And they get demolished. They give up 300 rushing yards. 300 RUSHING YARDS!? 300!? TO THE RAIDERS!? Meanwhile, Larry Johnson goes 12 for 22. Fuck. Somehow in week 2, we're into our third string QB. And we even let Marques Hagan, a WR no one's ever heard of, take some snaps under center, just for shits and giggles, when we're down 13-0. We're only two scores away from winning in the third quarter, and we're putting in new personnel like it's the 4th preseason game. Herm, these games count! Unless you've forgotten why you play the game...

The theme of this week was unanswered points. The Vikings take a 15-0 lead on 5 field goals, but they really needed Longwell to make his sixth attempt. The Colts come back and win the game, thanks to a shady TD call on Addai's run. Still, thanks for the 20 rushing yards. Fuck you Joe Addai. As for Peterson, he's awesome. But he lived up to his nickname, not getting into the endzone, ALL DAY.

The Rams stink. Too bad they don't play the Chiefs.

How bad is my receiving corps? Randle El is on my bench. But how about this bullshit? He's returning a punt, fumbles, and that counts against him. But if he had scored, he doesn't get the points. So there is no upside to having a receiver that returns punts, and there is now a downside. Still on punt returns, Bush takes one to the house for the Saints to take a 9-point lead, but taunts the Skins before going into the endzone. Didn't he learn his lesson from the NFC Championship against the Bears? Karma comes in the form of 2 Santana Moss touchdowns and the Saints blow it.

In Seattle, Julius Jones looked like he didn't suck. But it was all an illusion. You see, he was playing the 49ers. J.T. O'Sullivan goes over 300 yards and that means free chicken tenders! And half-off the salad bar! Seahawks lose at home to start 0-2. Um...not a lot of good sports news for Seattle.

Remember when we thought Matt Ryan was awesome. Well, he did a good job of throwing it to to the guys wearing red numbers. Problem for the Falcons, is he should have been looking for red jerseys with white numbers. And Michael Turner? 4 fantasy points. This is what happens when you don't play the Lions.

How bad are the Dolphins? At 17-0, the Cards miss a FG. But Miami has 12 men on the field. Same drive, Cards get sacked, but Miami grabs a face mask. Cards score a TD. Also, Boldin is a dick. 3 touchdowns? You couldn't let your friend Larry have one?

The Broncos/Chargers game was super bananas. Both Cutler and Rivers went off. Even Sproles and Young were respectable. The only sucky performance? LT. The Chargers should have won. Ed "Big Guns" Hochuli, blew his whistle wrong, but interpreted the rule about blowing whistles correctly. But shouldn't the ref be given the power to interpret the rules in order to correct mistakes, if possible. Also, everyone loves the call to go for 2. Of course they do. Because it worked. If it doesn't, everyone hates it. No one who wouldn't have made that call, can now say it's a great call. What you are allowed to say, is that Shanahan has bigger balls that you.

I really don't care about Favre. But he did throw his first INT as a Jet. Congrats!

And Pittsbugh beats the Browns, but doesn't cover the spread. When asked why he went for a field goal down 7, Romeo Crennel said "Can you pass the mayo, this cupcake needs frostin'!"

And as for tonight, me predicts free advertising for Jessica Simpson.

Quick Note:
Trendy Picks to Make Playoffs: Seahawks, Jaguars, Browns Vikings, and Chargers: 0-10.
Titans, Giants, Broncos, Panthers, Cardinals, Bills: 12-0.

The Return of Hoagie Central's Monday Morning Bonerjam NFL Jumbalaya

BREAKING! We have to start with the latest news on the starting quarterback injured yesterday in Foxborough...Brodie Croyle has a separated right shoulder and hopes to be back in 2-4 weeks. On a related note, QB Patriots (can't remember his name at the moment) might have sprained his knee. I believe he's questionable for next week's game against the Jets.

Let's go back to the start of the 2008 season on Thursday, when the Redskins played terrible for 4 quarters and the Giants played terrible for 3 quarters. You know what they say, it's all about being consistent, and the Redskins showed they had the will to lose. It's hard to comprehend that Eli Manning's 19/35 for 216 yards, 0 td, and 1 int was the better performance.

Michael Turner ran the ball 22 times. For 220 yards and 2 tds. Meanwhile, Jerious Norwood only got 93 and 1 td. Slacker. But you can't really blame the Lions. I mean, no one's ever been able to stop the offensive juggernaut known as the Atlanta Falcons.

Carson Palmer: 2 fantasy points. Joe Flacco: 14. I think the problem for Palmer was that he was looking for his new receiver Ocho Cinco, and he wasn't on the field.

The Bills beat the Seahawks by 24, but 14 of those points came on special teams. I think that's cheating. At least, that's why I think the Chiefs never try to score on special teams. I don't know if the Bills can keep this up, now that the NFL has seen their fake field goal play. The only team that will fall for that now is the Lions.

The Jets barely beat a team that isn't any good either, and now everyone thinks the Jets are going to win the division. Well, if they can keep getting 194 yards out of Brett Favre, he'll be almost as good as Eli Manning.

As soon as I saw the hit on Brady, I thought it was a season-ending injury. During the game, they said he was questionable to return during the game. Anyways, the Chiefs weren't horrible, but they could have won if Dwayne Bowe can catch a freaking football. Of course, he's my favorite player and he Blowes it.

Brees goes for 343. Bush over 160 total yards. And who ices the game for the Saints? Oooh Fujitas!

Remember all that fantasy sleeper talk about the Rams? Me neither. On the Eagles, 3 different players had 100 receiving yards. But you have to expect that from a group as talented as...who the fuck are these guys?

Willie Parker in 2005: 1202 yards but only 4 TD.
Parker in 07: 1316 yards but only 2 TD.
Parker in week 1 of 08: 138 yards and 3 TD. Really, you couldn' t let Ben throw one of those in?

Remember the smashmouth Jaguars that almost upset the Pats last year? Fred Taylor 9 rushes for 18 yards. Well, that must mean all the stats went to MJD. Right? 5 for 13 yards. Um...remind me not to start running backs against the Titans.

Cowboys beat the Browns. This game looked better on paper. One of these days, they should just play the games on paper.

The Panthers had the best ending, upsetting the Chargers at home. Tomlinson 97 yards and no scores. Really? That's the best you can do. 97 fucking yards? You're #1. You couldn't get half as many yards as your former backup.

The 49ers lose by 10, but have you tried the chicken figers at J.T. O'Sullivans? They're amazing, plus you have to get the salad bar!

And finally, the Bears stomp the Colts without even getting a good return out of Hester. The Colts looked on the decline, and the Bears defense looked like they were back. Forte looked solid, and Orton, well, he didn't throw any picks. Also, fuck you Joe Addai.

Hoagie Central's Monday Morning Bonerjam NFL Jumbalaya

We'll start with the most bizarre play of the year, a field goal that was able to bounce on the curved extension that faces away from the field, and actually go towards the field. If I was Brian Billick I would be looking for a kicker on the Grassy Knoll because it seems to defy logic. Back and to the left. Back and to the left! Also, Romeo Crennel provided this bit of wisdom, while stuffing a Maryland Crab Cake down his gullet, "Sometimes the ball bounces a lot of different ways. Because it's oblong." See, it's that kind of advanced understanding of the game that separates the brainless schlubs who watch the games and the masterminds who coach it. Also, I believe that is the first Bonerjam quote that is actually real.

Apparently Bobby Petrino doesn't read the Fanhouse, cause he would have known to start Leftwich over Harrington. Also, he must owe money to Leftwich because he's terrible. The best thing the Jags ever did was cut him.

The Lions finally lost a game at home, bringing an end to a streak that absolutely no one was paying attention to. Of course after the game, Kitna pointed out the obvious, that the Giants are not a better football team than the Lions. I wonder during which of his 3 interceptions, did he have the time to figure that out.

The Eagles finally got on the right track with their star quarterback, A.J. Feeley. Sure McNabb may have been injured, but it couldn't have worked out better for the Eagles, because Feeley played for the Dolphins, so he knows how to beat them. It worked so well, they offered Quincy Carter a contract in preparation for the next time they play the Cowboys.

Remember when the Raiders were 2-2 and atop the AFC West? Neither do they. Thankfully for them, the Dolphins, Jets, and Rams have distracted the nation so no one's noticed the Raiders. Also, does Chester Taylor's performance give more credit to the O-line and less to Peterson. I think so.

I couldn't be happier that the Chargers got rid of Drew Brees and Marty to go with Rivers and Norv. Say what you will about Brees this year, but he's no Rivers. How do you go 5-5 with LT?

The Chiefs prevented Manning from getting a TD pass, for the first time in 2 years. Also, Croyle and Bowe are only 84 behind Young/Rice, even if it's not the record anymore.

Carson Palmer threw 4 touchdowns. 1 to Housh, 1 to Chris Henry, and 2 to Antrel Rolle.

Brett Favre outplayed Vinny Testaverde in the Matlock® Senior Bowl. If it weren't for about 12 other crappy teams, the Panthers might be might least favorite team.

Reggie Bush caught 12 passes for 70 yards. He also ran the ball 15 times for....wait for it... 34 yards. The Saints are 0-6 when committing 2+ turnovers, so maybe the shouldn't turn the ball over so much--I mean, it seems to hurt their chances of winning games, I'm just saying.

When the 7-2 Steelers meet the 1-8 Jets, there's only one thing that can happen. The Steelers allow a 100-yard rusher for the first time in 35 games, get beat by a flea flicker, and allow Kellen Clemens to execute a 2-minute offense to send it to overtime, force a punt and win in OT. That's about right.

In Seattle, the Bears scored an offensive touch down in the first quarter. Why do I mention it? It was the first time it had happened all year. Grossman did fumble the game away in the 4th quarter, but he did look sexy doing it.

It's really sad when a team in your division starts 0-8, and they're better than you. This is the fate of the San Francisco 49ers. They lost 9-13, in what would have been a high scoring game if this was the Giants-Cardinals.

The Cowboys look really good. It might be more exciting if they didn't get beaten down by the Pats at home a couple weeks ago.

Mercury Morris of the 72 Dolphins has said repeatedly over the years, when reporters ask about the current undefeated team, "Don't call me when you're in my town, call me when you're on my block." His point was that a 13-0 Colts team still couldn't compare to a 17-0 Dolphins team. Fair enough. But when he said that last week, I'd like to point out, that not only are the Patriots on your block, but their house is a lot nicer than yours:


As for MNF, it's a 2nd place team in a division where the best team is .500 vs a 3rd place team where the worst team is .500. Exciting.

NFL Bonerjam Express

I'm just guessing that 4 rushing attempts for Kevin Jones and 45 passing attempts for Jon Kitna isn't the formula for success.



I'm also guessing that when the Bears signed Benson to a 5-year, 35-million dollar deal, they expected to get a player that could average more rushing yards than Vinny Testaverde. Currently there are 152 players who are averaging more rushing yards per carry than Cedric Benson.


Also, considering Ricky Williams averaged 4 yards a carry, you will not be mistaken for him. You are in fact, 75% of Ricky Williams.

In other news, LSU has scheduled the Miami Dolphins as a non-conference opponent for 2009.

Hoagie Central's Monday Morning Bonerjam NFL Jumbalaya

That was one of the most entertaining Chiefs' losses I've ever seen. After a dreadful first half, it went back and forth and it came down to a long Favre bomb with less than 5 minutes to go. But this play was so awesome, especially the celebration. Here's my question: Why didn't the Chiefs play to win the game? Isn't that why you play the game? Also, LJ decided he would continue to stick it to fantasy owners by getting 21 points and then getting injured.

Joey Harrington saved the Falcons season by leading them to a 20-16 win over San Francisco. His 138 yards, no touchdowns, and 1 interception got them to be 2-6 on the year. Nice job, Joey.

The Bengals have trouble holding on their teeth, whether they are real or gold. The Bills had 28 more passing yards than the Bengals. Oh yeah, and 148 more rushing yards. Lynch must be the rookie of the--

Holyshitwhat'sgoingonwithPurpleJesus? If there was going to be anyone to break the single game rushing record in 07, you'd have thought it was going to be LDT. But it was his opponent, who ran through the Chargers. You think they miss Wade Phillips on defense? Norv stinks. And it's ridiculous that the Chiefs are in first place ahead of the Chargers on tiebreakers. The really strange thing about AP's record? There were 10 other carries by Viking running backs and the QB tandem of Bollinger and Tarvaris doesn't exactly strike fear into defenses. Just wow.

Also, the Lions are 6-2. But their two losses were by 35 and 31. Does that make any sense? Although it helps that Cutler got injured. This 6-2 team, only one game out in the race for the NFC's best record: less first downs than opponents, less yards, less rushing, less passing, less sacks, less TOP, but they are +8 in turnover ratio. And they are the only NFC team that is undefeated at home. As for Denver, the AFC West went from the best division to basically the worst.

Shockingly, Drew Brees outplayed Quinn Gray. The Saints lost four, won four. Watch out for them in weeks 14-17, they might be back on again by then.

The Redskins should be embarrassed by their performance yesterday. To only win by 3, in overtime, against the Jets. Just terrible. At one point the Jets were up 17-3. So it makes sense that the Jets needed a last second field goal just to force overtime.

You're not going to believe this, but David Carr couldn't get anything going offensively. What a fall from grace. I remember when he was an elite quarterback in Houston. Oh wait, that was Warren Moon.

The crappy Bucs beat the crappy Cardinals in a crappy game for crappy fans.

Janikowski missed a 64-yard field goal...off the right upright, halfway up. New Raiders gameplan: widen uprights, kick field goals on first down of every possession from anywhere on the field.

I'll skip ahead to the night game to save the best game for last--How about that Tony Homo? And 174 yards for TO? It's almost as if he was trying extra hard against the Eagles for some reason. Well, maybe Philly just stinks.

And now...the game of the century...the ultimate test between the best teams in the league...the late afternoon game that everyone around the world was watching...the game with all the 4th quarter heroics you could ask for.... the Seahwaks vs the Browns! The Browns come back from 21-6 and win in overtime and are only a half game back from the Steelers. Romeo Crennel celebrated the win by eating a 10-gallon bucket of potato salad.

And there was some other game yesterday, but I turned it off in the first half because it was so boring, so I'm not sure how it ended, and I don't even remember who played. Oh well.

Hoagie Central's Monday Morning Bonerjam NFL Jumbalaya

The Bonerjam is back and is 3-3 heading into Week 7.

Buffalo beat the Ravens thanks to four field goals by Rian Lindell who is still pissed at his dad for spelling his name wrong on his birth certificate. Baltimore is one of those confusing teams, because just when you're convinced that they stink, they go and lose to Buffalo.

They Saints are Marching again! They were able to come back and beat the Falcons at home! Nothing can stop them now. Unless they play an opponent that doesn't have Joey Harrington on their roster. Meanwhile, Atlanta is absolutely shocked that they don't have the worst record in the league. Petrino said "I mean, we're still giving most of our carries to Warrick Dunn. We trotted out Leftwich and then backed him up with Harrington. How is there a team worse than us? We want that first pick, real bad!"

Neil Rackers executed the best onside kick I've ever seen. He then proceeded to miss the game winning field goal. He should have screwed up the onside kick because no one expected him to make that one.

The Giants beat the 49ers 33-15 and they continue to lead the league is upper arm exposure. Trent Dilfer was seen slamming his playbook to the ground. It was the best throw of his day.

The Dolphins dominated the time of possession throughout the game and outscored the Pats 21-7 in the second half. Am I the only one who thinks the Pats should be concerned the way they couldn't close out an opponent?

In the most exciting game of the day, the Texans came back from at 32-7 deficit in the fourth quarter to take the lead, only to lose it to the Titans on the final play of the game. The only thing that would have made this game more exciting is if it wasn't the Texans and the Titans.

The Lions beat the Bucs 23-6, or at least they should have, but they had a stupid roughing the passer penalty, and gave up on onside kick and 10 points later, they had to cover up another onside kick to avoid a complete meltdown. The Lions were doubled in passing yards, had ten less first downs and 11 minutes less in TOP. Clearly a great win for the Detroit franchise.

Priest Holmes! Priest Holmes! The Chiefs win with Priest Holmes! Who cares that he only had one good play, Priest Holmes won the game. He's so much nicer than Larry Johnson to the media, All Praise Priest!

Chad Pennington had three times as many touchdowns as Carson Palmer. Pennington should get a raise.

At the end of the first quarter, the Rams were only down by 4. It was anybody's game. Anybody except the Rams who are fucking terrible, yet somehow, not the worst team in the league.

BREAKING: The Philadelphia Eagles have cut their entire defense after giving up a 97-yard drive to Brian Griese in the last two minutes. Andy Reid was quoted as saying "I told them that 11 guys off the street wouldn't give up a touchdown like that, and I meant it. They're all fucking fired." He added "You going to finish that?" Also, because Griese came to life when his headset stopped working, some might think that Ron Turner stinks, and the Bears would be better off having Griese call the whole game. The truth is that they should keep Turner and just stop calling plays that involve Cedric Benson.

The Cowboys beat the Vikings because Minnesota forgot they have the NFL's leading rusher, and only gave him the ball 12 times. The Vikings coach later said "I'd love for Peterson to run the ball more, but Chester Taylor is holding my kids hostage in a basement somewhere. Also, he stinks."

The Broncos are 3-3, with all three wins coming on Elam last second field goals. It's easy enough to imagine that they could be 0-6, but if you try to imagine that they could also be 6-0, your head might explode.

Also, tonight, Colts! Jags! For the first time there's a decent Monday Night Game. First place is on the line in the best division in the league. The latest injury report: Manning was held out of practice all week, due to commercials for a sexual lubricant. "When you need to fit it in a tight hole, think of me, Peyton Manning. Sometimes, late in the game, you just see a tight window and you have to force it in. You know, like a true gunslinger."

Hoagie Central's Monday Morning Bonerjam NFL Jumbalaya

The Bonerjam is back on after a bye in week 5:

Gus Frerotte thought it would be really swell for his team if they could replicate the Cowboys win over the Bills. He did his part by throwing 5 picks, just like Romo. But I guess the defense let him down. Also, Brian Leonard proved that being white should be considered an injury for running backs.

In a classic NFC North defensive struggle, there were 8 touchdowns, all for more than 30 yards. The Bears became the first defense to give up 3 60-yard+ plays from scrimmage. But on the bright side they have Hester! On the dull side, welcome to last place...in the NFC North.

The Dolphins-Browns games was blacked out nationally, by edict of Commissioner Goodell, "For the good of the league." I can tell you that Derek Anderson might be the best NFL quarterback named Derek. Meanwhile, Cleo Lemon had 4 touchdowns while losing to the Browns. That sentence has a lot of parts that don't make a lot of sense.

Brett Favre announced his retirement after beating the Redskins 17-14, saying "Now that I've broken the record for most interceptions, there isn't much motivation for me to keep playing."

The Jaguars simply don't care that they don't have any fans, they're going to keep winning anyways. Meanwhile the AFC South is really good...

Assuming that Vince Young isn't out for too long. Sure a lot of people might point to the Madden jinx, but maybe it's the McNabb jinx--karmic payback for when VY chose not to defend McNabb's comments earlier in the year. Or maybe God just doesn't want things to go to well for Kige Ramsey.

At Arrowhead, Marvin Lewis was quoted as saying, "Why don't we play these games on paper. The League should look into that."

The Eagles are 2-0 in games with throwback jerseys and 0-3 in games with current jerseys. Bring back the canary blue!

It's Rattay vs Testaverde! You don't even know what teams they're playing for! Some team out west, right? Like the 49ers or something. Cardinals, huh? Okay. Vinny's only touchdown was on they brilliant play call of "Smith, go deep"

This New England team is pretty good, but I guess we'll find out how good next week, when they have to go ON THE ROAD to Miami.

Tomlinson 4 touchdowns. I think he was just hustling the people in his FFL so that he could trade for himself.

Reggie Bush had a 100-yard rushing game against the Seahawks. That it is, he had one, until he lost yards, finishing with 97. But the player of the game was, you guessed it, Pierre Thomas. He had the first score of the game, setting the tone for the Saints.

And as for the game that hasn't been played, ESPN is really pissed about the whole Vick thing. In their commercials for the Giants-Falcons game they highlight: Eli Manning, Plaxico Burress and the Giants Defense going against...wait for it...the Falcons. Zero name recognition players according to ESPN.

Hoagie Central's Monday Morning Bonerjam NFL Jumbalaya

What a great weekend of football. It started Saturday with the wild upsets in college, so much so, that Illinois knocking off Penn State got largely overlooked--to be fair, it wasn't much of an upset. Illinois was only a 3-point underdog. Also, I just looked at this weeks spreads, and somehow the line has opened with Illinois being a 2.5-point favorite. Over #5 Wisconsin? Really? That doesn't seem right. (Sagarin has us rated as #40, and Wisconsin as #24)

Anyways, on to the Bonerjam.

The Falcons win using the "Weekend at Bernie's" Strategy. They brought out the rotting corpse of Morten Andersen and he makes 4 field goals, including at 46 yarder. After the game, they re-buried him in order to keep him fresh for next week.

The Bills proved the adage "It's really hard to go winless." Bet against Buffalo the rest of the year. But don't bet on the Jets either.

Meanwhile, Miami is really trying hard to disprove that theory. Perhaps the 07 Dolphins will set a new record at 0-16, and then every year when the last winless team wins a game, they will break out the Champagne.

BREAKING: Romeo Crennel has just quit his position of Cleveland Browns Head Coach. After defeating the Ravens 27-13, he has decided to go out on a high note. He was quoted as saying "There's no way in hell we should be in 2nd place right now. I'm getting the fuck outta here!"

Just like when Dante Hall was with the 2003 Chiefs, his punt return for a touchdown proved to be the game changing play. Without that return, the Rams would have lost by 35 instead of just 28. Also, Brees over Romo right now is the new Bowie over Jordan.

The Packers are 4-0, but the real story was Brett Favre breaking an NFL record. Sunday marked the 422 time that he has been referred to as a "gunslinger."

Tampa Bay is running away with the division. On a related note, Oprah is homeless and yesterday it was raining toast.

After Alex Smith was injured on the third play, Trent Dilfer came in and threw for 400 yards and 7 touchdowns as the 49ers trounced the Seahawks. I''m kidding of course. Dilfer stinks, Gore can't get more than 80 yards, and the Seahawks didn't fumble any handoffs so I guess they won.

The Cardinals beat the Steelers, but after the game Mike Tomlin suggested that the Cardinals coaching staff might have had some inside information. Great, just when Patriotgate is dying down, another spying scandal.

Peyton is so selfish and arrogant, I'm sure that he drafted himself #1 overall in fantasy. After Addai worked hard to get the ball to the 1, what does Peyton call? QB sneak. Jerk.

After 4 weeks, I've figured this all out. The best team in the league is not the Patriots. The best team in the league is...the Canary/Periwinkle Eagles. The worst team in the league is the Green/White Eagles.

Hester almost ruined it. Everything was falling into place on a Chicago fan's worst nightmare list. The Lions were playing poorly, and after a greasy pick six, the Bears were losing. Then Hester goes and takes the lead back. Thankfully, the Bears blow it at the end, and now their fans don't know what to think. Grossman? Griese? Orton? Can we get somebody to play defense? Here's the new gameplan: Hester at QB.

And then...the Chiefs. 12-point underdogs on the road, and they win by 14. Of course, what is everyone talking about? How Norv Turner blew it. And that's fine. Although both Will Leitch and Keith Olbermann used the same joke, namely using the Chiefs name as the punchline, as in how could anyone lose to the Chiefs. (Nevermind that the Chiefs went to the playoffs last year, have split with the Chargers the last two years). Regardless, it begs the questions, why was anyone complaining about Martyball last year when the Chargers were 14-2?

And as for Monday Night Football, the best offense goes up against the #30th defense. Did I mention the Pats also have the best defense? Well, they may be #1 in both offense and defense, but just wait a couple weeks until the Patriots get all their players back from injury. Then they might turn out to do something. (Sigh)

Hoagie Central's Monday Morning Bonerjam NFL Jumbalaya

Since TMQ decided to puss out and not include a tidbit from every nfl game, I guess I'll have to fill in. (Although to be fair, it's hard to cover all the games and get under ESPN's limit of 100 GB of html data when you devote 12 paragraphs to Battlestar Galactica and how more people should be Christian.)

I think it's clear, the quarterback of the future for the Cardinals is Kurt Warner. Right now, they've got to go with Leinart, but keep developing this Warner kid, and maybe in a couple years he can win the starting job.

After setting the touchdown record last year, Tomlinson is trying to set the record for most fantasy football owners cursing his name. 62 rushing yards? If I wanted 62 rushing I would have drafted Najeh Davenport with the #1 overall pick.

In Tampa Bay it was obvious that the Rams are a playoff team, but ran into the Super Bowl favorite Buccaneers.

If the Steelers can start the season 4-0 against Cleveland, Buffalo, San Fran and Arizona next week, it's time to start booking Super Bowl hotel rooms.

Kitna threw for 65 more passing yards then McNabb. So why is everyone all excited about McNabb? Probably because he's black. I guess the media is giving black quarterbacks the benefit of the doubt.

Ronnie Brown has a 38 point fantasy day and Trent Green throws for 300 yards. With numbers like that, no one can beat them.

Tom Brady is a jerk. He's totally hogging all the touchdowns so Maroney can't get any. It's almost as if Tom drafted himself in his Boston Douchebag league. Does any one else think it's fishy that the Patriots have scored 38 points in every game this year? At this point, I think they're just fucking with us.

The Chiefs's defense was sparked by the return of Jared Allen, a monster pass rusher. Herm Edwards told him to imagine Kelly Holcomb was holding the last beer in the stadium.

The Colts win by 6, just as Vegas predicted. The Texans would have won, if they could have gotten more out of the best running back in the league, Ahman Green.

During the Bengals' loss, Carson Palmer was seen yelling at his defense to just "hurry up and let them score a touchdown, so we can get a touchdown with a 2-point conversion." Also, this makes perfect sense: Rudi Johnson 17 attempts for 9 yards, Kenny Watson 9 attempts for 60 yards and a score.

Oakland pulls the call a timeout at the last second trick, the same one that defeated them last week. It's scary how close the Browns were to a winning record.

The Jaguars had three times as many rushing yards as the Broncos. Also, the game winning score was a 18 yard field goal for John Carney. I'm surprised he made it, considering he has trouble with kicks from that distance:

The Giants beat the Redskins proving that even rivalry games that are close at the end, aren't very interesting to watch.

The Panthers beat the Falcons, relying on their star receiver, #87 Jeff King, who led the team with 56 yards and a score.

I think the reason the Cowboys took the damn field, is because the Bears are who they thought they were. Considering Grossman has the longest consecutive start streak for Chicago quarterbacks in over ten years, it's just a shame they don't have the talent around him to win. He's out there, being sexy, throwing the long ball, and he team keeps letting him down. So much for that vaunted Chicago defense. Way to give up 34 points.

And here's a tidbit about a game that hasn't even been played yet:

Just another reason to love fantasy football--walking down the hall of my office and hear a stranger say "Unless Drew Brees throws 600 yards and 9 touchdowns, I'm screwed."

(also, I'm just saying, if you throw for 600 yards and don't get any touchdowns, I think you should still get more than 24 points. Whatever.)