Medium Graveyard: WebMD

So this was something that I wrote a couple years ago. I was thinking about posting it to Medium, but unfortunately it has aged poorly, due to a little thing called Covid. So here it is.



WebMD Is The Only Healthcare You Need!

Over the last few days I’ve had occasional headaches and was sensitive to bright lights. Like any adult, I’ve had headaches before but never light sensitivity. I googled it to see if there was an easily diagnosed answer.

I get to this page and was immediately like, yes I have also been sensitive to noise lately too.

WebMD, you are amazing! Clearly you have the answer! Let’s see…77 conditions?

So I’ve either had way too much caffeine or not enough caffeine? Well, with all these headaches I haven’t had as much soda. Better have a Coke Zero just to be safe. Or maybe that’s just my concussion talking.

I’m a little young for cataracts, no? And my blisters seem to be confined to the median groinal area and not mouth or hands so that rules out the Coxsackle virus. Diabetes is a strong contender. Vegas has it as 7–2 odds.

Ha ha, nasal polyps, that sounds funny. Holy shit, a stroke? Am I having a stroke right now? This is what a stroke feels like, oh my God. Why am I rushing to post this to Twitter when I’m clearly having a stroke. WebMD, this is getting real dark.

Okay, for real, I appreciate the thoroughness but now it just feels like you’re listing every possible disease or injury possible. This isn’t really helping me narrow it down. Should I take some Tylenol or not?

I swear to God, WebMD you are the worst doctor on earth. Maybe it’s West Nile. Maybe I swallowed my World War II cyanide capsules. Or maybe it’s the goddamn plague.

Yes, I can’t wait to post that I have the plague to Facebook, Tweet it and subscribe for more info.

Oh fuck, there it is. I have bird flu. Why did I make out with all those birds? It seemed like such a good idea at the time. Hindsight is 20/20 and all that I guess.